My Heavy Heart.

My heavy heart.

I had pushed this away, I have tried so hard.

I almost succeeded, thought it could not affect me anymore.

Almost came to the conclusion that it was unnecessary,

a distraction,

that could so easily walk out the door.

I convinced myself I couldn't be bothered.

I convinced myself I'd be okay.

But then it all came flooding back,

the fuzzy night yesterday.

It came back full force.

Burning me in its wrath.

Shocking me into reality,

that this will not last.

 What worse to know than that,

when you feel so much for what it has or had,

I say 'it', 

probably because I still can't face the facts.

What will I do now?

When your heart says yes,

but your mind says no.

& when even it,

doesn't know anymore.

I struggle to figure myself out.

In this situation frowned upon.

Am I expecting too much,

I can no longer walk out that door.

My heavy heart,

Oh what will I do with you?

x

27.12.15

 

The Great Gatsby.

I've always loved films.

They are another version of storybooks, where fantasies and your favourite characters come to life.

I've seen many great films, and a lot of times I wanted to write about how I felt about them, and what I took away from them. But doing that requires answering the difficult question of "Why?"

Why do I like this movie? Is it just for what's on the surface? Because a boy and a girl met and fell in love? Because they lived happily ever after? Because the music was good and the main character was hot and the props were cool?

Or was there something deeper that I related to, found solace in, or gained deeper understanding and enlightenment through? Perhaps I recognised them in brief flashes of thought, or perhaps I acknowledged them unknowingly. 

Many times, asking myself these questions and then going forth to try and articulate my answers into proper sentences and words, often puts me off because of my pure laziness to think.

But hey, I thought I'd finally get off my butt and write about a film that I fell in love with.

-

The Great Gatsby.

I watched this yesterday and part of today(went through midnight hehe), and yes it was a Christmas special on TV. I have heard raves about the book and the movie, and I was excited to watch it. I had completely no idea what it was about or what I was to expect.

To know what the storyline was, one can find it on any book/movie overview/review online, but here I am only going to write about what resonated with me in the movie.

Character Development

The impressions of the characters change drastically through the movie. The way the characters are portrayed, it almost seems obvious and evident who is the 'good guy' or who is the 'evil guy everyone hates'. In this case, in the beginning and through most of the movie, the 'good guy' seemed to be Nick and Daisy, and then slowly going on, we fall in love with Gatsby as well. In my head, I thought of Gatsby as a charismatic and mysterious guy, that almost seems like every girls wish come true. He is romantic, dedicated, and you can just see how much he loves Daisy and is willing to do for her. And then on the other hand, the 'bad guy' was Tom, who was always out with women, always getting drunk, not treating Daisy right etc. But it's pretty amazing how the story unfolds and all your initial impressions of the characters change. Nick is more of a neutral party because he is simply on the sidelines and you see everything happen through his eyes and his point of view. Halfway through the movie, you kind of see another side to Gatsby and you feel like you are losing hope in him and you're just like 'ugh no! why?! I thought you were perfect?!" You kind of question his actions and then it's that point when you hate him for a split second. But then plot twist, you realise he wasn't guilty and he is just trying so hard to protect Daisy. (Trying so hard not to spoil anything lol.) After that, you see Daisy, you see how she's treating Gatsby after everything that has happened and you wonder how she could do that to him. And then, the horrible thing happens, omg can I just say it, Gatsby dies. (Yep sorry kids. ) Daisy doesn't seem to even give a damn about him, and Tom and her just leave. At this point came a quote I love - "They were careless people, Tom and Daisy – they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together and let other people clean up the mess they had made."

The greatest change was definitely Daisy, because of the way you just saw her as this innocent girl who's husband had a mistress and didn't treat her very well. We felt sympathy for her. We thought she was made for Gatsby and that she would love him just as much as he loved her. But you realise that she is just weak, too weak and cowardly to face what she has done, to face her mistakes and to let go of her pride. I almost had a hope that somehow she would come back and apologise to Nick and talk about how much she regretted everything, but then I realised that so few people would actually do that because of the pride that they hold. Especially with people of such a status, such wealth and such stability in their life, everything else is almost disposable. She can almost live without Nick and live without someone she once loved so much whom she wronged but she could never make up to. I guess that was one of the reasons why the film was so incredibly real and relatable, because you see the real sides of people and how fast things can change and get out of hand. You see honesty and genuineness, and at times the hard truth.

I say the 'impressions of characters' change because the characters themselves don't change, it's just that at the start of the movie we come to conclusions, conclusions about who this person is, and how we feel about them. It is only that as the story continues, we see new sides of the characters come up and our conclusions shift and take new forms. It's very much like how it is in real life, and like how unexpected things can happen simply because you lay out expectations based on the things you already know or have seen. 

Gender Roles & Daisy

There are a wide range of reactions towards female characters in films. Sometimes they are either 'ugly', mean, a control-freak annoying housewife or a wife that commits adultery, other times, they are sweet, innocent, never-wrong girls that get hurt and need protecting. In this case, there was something that I realised was very much related to gender discrimination and gender 'expectations'. The movie portrays Daisy as the sad and sweet girl, and also shows a little bit on how women are not seen as and taken on the same level as men. At the start, Daisy says "that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a little beautiful fool." To me, that encompasses what many girls feel they need to be. Society tells girls that they should be submissive, and that they should just do what they are told and not ask questions. Most of the time, this is just sugar coated but I think overtime through culture, it just becomes a normal expectation that is rarely questioned or challenged. It describes the role that women play, especially in the context of the movie, where they are small and fragile, and they have to be beautiful. They can't know too much or be too smart, or else their life will be miserable and they would not be happy. I feel like it was also Daisy's way of telling us how she felt about herself and her life, because she was in a bad place and she felt like she knew too much, she wishes she didn't know about her husband and his mistress, and she wants herself to stop wishing and hoping for all the things in the world that she may never have. 

Gatsby

 I absolutely love Gatsby as a character. There is a lot of depth and complexity in this one person. On one hand, yes, he is almost the definition of perfect, his love for Daisy is almost endless and he is just this guy that so badly wants the woman he loves. He is a good friend to Nick, he is grounded and a gentleman. But just as people do, he makes mistakes. And in my point of view one of those mistakes or 'let-downs' was how we was so desperate to get everything back to how they used to be. He was living in the past, in denial that years passed, things happened and people changed. He refused to accept that the Daisy he knew was no longer who she was completely, and that new people came into her life and her feelings for him had faded. But I guess that is because of his love for Daisy and again, him wanting her. He also doesn't want to accept that there is a possibility that his dream of having Daisy may not come true, and is always trying to convince himself that he is the only one Daisy loves. As they say, Love makes us blind and desperation clouds our vision. Also, he spent so much of his life trying to get something else. When he was young, he wanted wealth and status. Then he met Daisy, and from that day forward did everything possible to get her back and his life revolved around it. He failed to live in the moment. He tried to keep a low profile because he didn't want Daisy to know he was still alive, and because of that knew only a few certain people. He was still obsessed with money, spending most of it on the parties he threw in hope that Daisy would attend them and see him and on the huge house that was exactly across the river from Daisy's house. He only got to know people he could make money with, and people he used. He never really gave himself or gave much love to the people around him, he was always looking at somewhere else. And that's my reasoning behind his loneliness, his lack of company in his death, where no one attended his funeral except Nick. It's a sad truth, because sometimes you get so caught up in something and you just can't help it, but at the end of the day you find yourself struggling to find a balance.

Nick

Nick, we find out at the start of the movie, has several mental health problems. I forgot exactly what, but they were just really associated with someone who is very troubled and who has seen some of the darkest parts of life. As I watched the movie, it was evident to me the reasons why Nick turned out to be this way. It just covered some of the saddest things about humankind and life, it showed how people are not how you may expect them to be, it showed how good things come to an end, it showed shock, disappointment, death and loss. It showed betrayal, it showed how dreams, no matter how hopeful you are, may not come true. It showed the indescribable tragedy of loving someone so much but only having them let you down. It showed the terrifying possibilities and results of putting everything you have on the line. It featured complexity, confusion, contradictions and just everything that makes life as hard to understand as it is. Through it all, Nick had been present and had seen it all happen. Nick probably through a whirlwind of emotions and feelings, sometimes he probably felt torn, because he was unsure of what was the right thing to do, whether he was really helping Gatsby and Daisy or whether he was ruining lives and families. He, along with the audience, probably felt the same way about Gatsby, where he didn't know how to feel about him. He didn't know why Gatsby had reached out to him, and then later on he lost faith in Gatsby but regained it. He built a close relationship with Gatsby, only to have him leave. He cared so much for Daisy, but she only disappointed him and showed him the darkest sides of her. He probably couldn't understand why someone so full of love, someone so kind and hopeful, someone who indirectly brought so much happiness to so many people - Jay Gatsby, could ever not have a kin, and be so alone in his death. He must have felt that it was unfair that someone who was just so blinded by love, someone who tried to protect the women he adored, had got killed in cold blood because she could not own up to it. He must have felt that it wasn't right, because love was such a wonderful thing, but it brought so much pain and suffering. He probably also felt the burden of social status, because of everything he was surrounded by so often - big houses, nice clothes, jewels, expensive cars. He probably thought of how sad it was that the world was so obsessed with all these things they could not see the simple and important things. It probably angered and upset him at the same time. It also must have been hard for him to accept how Daisy had just gone with Tom, someone who hadn't treated her as well as Gatsby did. He must have wondered why she had to take such an easy way out, and throw away everything that was valuable. He must have been so frustrated and disappointed in her, knowing her for so long, thinking the best of her. He said "Digusted, with everyone and everything, only one man was exempt from my disgust... Gatsby."

Everything in the paragraph I just wrote was entirely on what I thought was going through his mind as a person, and it may be completely different. But to me, that is what I felt and would have felt if I was in his position. And I just think Nick is so relatable in that way. If someone had seen so much and was thrown into so many complications and hard truths, they probably wouldn't have been able to handle it either. I know I wouldn't.

I know this blogpost was a mouthful but I'm really proud that I was able to get all these into words! Thank you all so much for reading. (:

Signing off,

With Love,

CLL

She Lived The Dream.

She lived the dream.

She had good friends, 

she was in a good relationship,

She traveled around the world,

She escaped almost all of her fears, worries and regrets.

But the dream seemed to be like everything else,

Temporary.

& I wonder if she ever knew she was living the dream,

if she was ever fully content,

& fully happy.

 18.12.15

x

Green Traveling.

I'm currently studying 'The Atmosphere' for Chemistry, plus I'm a Geography student so doing what I can to reduce global warming is really important to me.

I found this page that includes some really interesting things you can do to reduce your carbon footprint while traveling and I highly encourage everyone to take a look. (:

http://greenhotels.com/grntrav.php

It's time we stop leaving "Saving the World" to the next generation.

It starts now.

Love,

Li Ling

15.12.15

I'm actually the happiest I've been for a while.

And I can't be more glad, and thankful and happy.

We are not born with negativity.

Pessimism is not in our genes.

Happiness is a choice.

x

Li Ling

29.11.15

Rain fell tonight.

x

29.11.15

Just Being Me.

Every single day we are learning about ourselves.

About what we love, what we hate, and who we are.

The process wasn't meant to be an overnight thing. Nobody ever put a due date on the back of it. I guess it's because we never really stop. We never really come to a day when we can say "I know everything about myself." And also, we are ever-changing. Even if we are fortunate enough to have conquered the tedious task of understanding ourselves, we'd still have to face the battle again a few years, even months later. 

The past couple of months have been... a journey.

I've come to terms with a lot of myself. I've come to terms with how humans are so incredibly confusing that we have to put aside the rationalisation of why we do things or think certain ways. Sometimes, I doubt whether we even have reasons for doing some things at all. I've beaten myself up countless times, hated myself even, for not being able to understand why I feel certain ways, or why I do certain things. And I've come to accept that maybe I'm not supposed to. And if it's in my nature to feel, think or behave someway, well, I'll leave it as just being 'Me'.

I haven't been completely victorious about the whole accepting myself thing, but I have made some progress.

Here are some things I have had trouble accepting.

I make mistakes. And a heck load of them. Sometimes, I am greedy and I am selfish. I process things differently, and I can be awfully stubborn. I am terrified of commitments, and I am terrified of fitting into a box. I overreact, and sometimes I am overly-righteous. I yearn for attention, and I love the idea of love. I find trouble believing in things I cannot see. I hold grudges, and I can almost never ever get over them. Sometimes, I underestimate myself, yet a lot of times, I am over-ambitious. I want acceptance from others, and very often I let that define my life. I worry and I overthink, like way too much. I have a body that is not society's vision of 'perfect'. And I judge myself very harshly.

I am a mixing bowl filled with confusion, irony and contradictions. 

x

Love,

CLL

(Un)Expectance

Almost like a suction force

Almost like a lurking thief

Steals away the energy and life

Sometimes coming expectedly.

18.11.15

x

LiLing googles Vietnamese captions

I was scrolling through my instagram and then I saw a picture that Vicky, my roommate during iREs Days (*cries*) posted.

It was a picture of an area in the Bidoup Nui Ba National Park, which is where we went to study the trees/nature during the iREs trip. She wrote an(several) essay-long captions in Vietnamese, and I went on Google translate because I'm me.

She wrote all about what she remembered from the trip, and although Google translate obviously messed up most of it, as usual, I could still understand what she was referring to. I was literally just in bliss reading it, not only because Google translate's mistakes are so random and so incredibly wrong, but because I remember all those things that she was talking about.

I miss them so much. 

I've been writing to some of them.

I just wanted to post these screenshots on here because I think it'll be nice to look back on them.

Hehe goodnight.

Love,

Li Ling

11.11.15

The past couple of days have been pretty unproductive and productive at the same time.

Unproductive in terms of school work and revision. Productive in terms of other work.

I've been doing a bunch of stuff for Interact: Proposals, planning, the normal stuff. And also, I spent SO LONG doing this publicity video for Open House & CCA Promo. I worked so hard on it, it's crazy. I've also been busy making slides for another presentation that I'm doing back at my former primary school. In case you didn't know, I'm an ex-temaskian whoohoo! And a proud one as a matter of fact.

When I'm not doing those things, I'm watching Game of Thrones. And just so ya'll know, that show is the most gory and also one of the most... "naked" shows I've ever seen. It's almost pretty much porn. LOL. But trust me, it has a proper story line, and it's pretty interesting. 

I feel so guilty for completely abandoning studying. It is so so so bad and I'm mentally slapping myself. I just really hope I can get the will power and discipline to get back on track soon.

Today, there was an interact session. (Interact is my CCA)

 And most of the session was planning for Open House & CCA promo, but today we did something a little different. We spent about an hour playing bonding games. Something that I've always felt bad for, something I thought I could do better at, as President, is the bonding and the cohesion of the club. I believe I started the Sec ones off on the wrong foot, throwing them into event planning before they even got a chance to get to know each other.  My sec twos are pretty much okay, but I think the sec threes drifted too. Perhaps it's because half of the sec threes are in the excobod.

But I don't know, today was a really good session. I feel like I got to know more about the rest of the interactors, got the sec ones to loosen up a bit as well. It felt really good, and I was really happy with today's session. It felt like a step in the right direction.

I just thought I'd check in with a short one today. 

Have a great rest of the week guys!

Signing off...

CLL

 

06.11.15

Late October was supposed to be the start of our holidays.

As I look back now, and as I think about my juniors and their privilege of having a couple of extra weeks off from school, I realise how much I took for granted in my previous schooling years. 

It's the build up to a year filled with seemingly endless classes and content, with boundless piles of work and revision. A build up to the one examination that we've feared and dreaded since the end of our PSLE 3 years ago. The O'levels has gotten everybody - students, parents and teachers alike, on the edge of their seats. We can only wait on tenterhooks until it is all over.

The past couple of weeks has been filled with extra classes, a period we call "Extended Studies". While the rest of our more junior school population enjoyed extra hours of sleep, we went to school, frantically trying to cover as much of our Sec 4 syllabus. It was like every other day in school. It didn't really feel like it was supposed to be our holidays. I guess most of us have come to terms that this is what it will and has to be like for the next year.

The Extended Studies period has ended, although there are many other activities in school that require our presence and attention. For one, there's still CCAs and plans that have to be made for the upcoming session and our annual camp. Then, there's this extra "Math Care" thing that my mother insists on me attending. I may only be able to attend about 2 of the 13 days though, because of other commitments. I also have this work attachment thing at a Design company that I am honestly really looking forward to, although I'm wishing hard that I would be able to walk by then. And yes, I am still struggling with my ankle. It's mocking me.

I've not been able to go anywhere besides school and in the comfort of my own home. Plus the fact that I've pretty much socially detached myself from the rest of the world... yea, it's a change. But I don't know, although I feel the absence of physical company sometimes, I enjoy time alone. It's been good for me, to take time to do stuff I enjoy and to take time to learn more about myself and what I love. I've been reading, and I've also found myself enjoying to cook. 

In no way are my creations Gordon Ramsay material. Pfft, not even close. But I like just whipping up simple meals for myself. There's a sense of accomplishment to that. 

Most of today was spent reading Harper Lee's "To Kill A Mockingbird". I saw it lying on a storage cabinet outside my aunt's house and I asked if I could have it. To think it was going to be sold at 20 cents to the garang guni aka. collectors of second-hand items, I'm glad I saved it.

My mom and I have also become fond of making smoothies and blending up our fruits and vegetables. Beetroots are apparently in season now so I made a smoothie with it. Call me a girl but I love how pink it is. :P

Ingredients of smoothie:

Beetroot(s), plain yogurt, milk, honey & ice cubes.

I'm not really one to be exact with my smoothies. I kind of just eyeball it and use up as much of what I have in my fridge/pantry. It's an interesting taste and takes some getting use to haha.

-

Mkay, that's pretty much all I have for today. I hope ya'll have a great rest of the week!

With Love,

Signing off...

CLL

2.11.15

My friend Elaine came over today.

We watched a movie on my laptop and we cooked and made wraps and ate donuts and chocolates.

We sang along to songs, made home videos and took Photo Booth pictures.

It was a really good day, & I'm really happy.

-

Also, today was the first proper day I started with no Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat! I deleted them off my phone last night. The whole aim of it is to ease myself out of my addiction of social media. I know for myself that I am not in a position where I'm really, really over the top about social 'expectations' and shit due to the use of social media, like Essena claimed to be which was why she made it her mission to break free completely(Refer to "Reality." post). It is understandable why she would go to such extents to prevent herself from going too far. Different people have different experiences with things and hence react differently. I'm really honestly not going to be the type of person to say "I am never, ever going to use social media sites again", just because I've realised the negative side-effects or repercussions it has/can have. I strongly believe that we have a power over how we are affected by things around us. I deleted Twitter and Snapchat mostly because 1) I didn't use them often. 2) When I do use them, most of the things I post on Twitter and Snapchat are honestly nonsense and not beneficial to anyone. 3) They just made me want to publicise my life more. 4) My brain would just immediately think "TWEET" or 'SNAPCHAT" when something happens, and I don't want my life to be like that.

I deleted Instagram because I didn't want to post random nonsense as well, and I wanted to stop comparing likes and followers. I wanted to stop taking out my phone and constantly checking instagram and scrolling through pictures. I wanted to stop thinking/knowing what other people are doing. It might be called choosing to live under a rock, but as my good friend Sidney once said, "I like it under my rock". It is peaceful and personal. 

I know I will redownload Instagram soon sometime in the future. But probably to add another picture that I really like on my page, or to spread a message. 

I'm really, truly not against the users of social media. I am also in no position to judge how people live or choose to spend their time in energy. It is a personal choice. If you are okay with it, then good for you! If you aren't, then take whatever actions you think you ought to. I know that when some people read these types of posts from me they'll be like "lol why are you taking this so seriously" or "omg she's so overdramatic". But aye, there's nothing overdramatic about restricting my time online, judging other people, comparing myself to other people, doing things to make myself have a better outlook on myself and doing things to have, what to me is, a better quality of life. I need to learn to be in the moment and I need to learn the significance of 'smaller' and simpler things. I know how I deal with things and how I react to what I see and gain on social media, and I'm making sure that I improve. 

SO YES - know you, do you.

Have a good day!!!

Lots of Love,

Signing off,

Li Ling

x

Nightmares.

Last night,

My sleep broke

Into tears streaming down my cheeks

And an unexplainable weight on my chest.

I was barely conscious,

Out of fatigue I presume.

But I was aware enough

Of my inability to stop crying.

I was aware enough,

Of the trance I had just torn myself out of.

Nightmares.

I rarely had them.

But when I did,

I never dreamed about

Monsters, zombies or serial killers.

Never had a problem

With clowns or vampires.

Though I had exceptions

Of giant insects and needled eyes.

Those nightmares,

I woke shaken but sane.

I laughed about them afterwards.

The things that scare me the most,

The things that appear in my imagination,

Are things that can so easily happen in reality.

Things that I know deep in my heart,

Are my fears that I can never run away from.

Derived from my personality,

My manner of thought.

These dreams,

They occur to me now as a blur,

A cliff-hanger.

540p.

I was not believed.

I was not trusted.

I was wronged for motives

From actions I took but did not mean.

Yet, I could not speak.

I could not articulate.

No one was willing to listen.

When I shook out of it,

I had a dark weight on my throat

And all down my chest.

Like my sternum could not rise and fall.

I shook out of it,

With eyes sealed tight,

But with quiet whimpers escaping my lips.

The pain was almost unbearable,

And I was convinced I was becoming out of my mind.

I was convinced,

I needed a doctor.

I was convinced,

That nothing could ever feel fine.

These came to me in flashes.

Like flipping pages, like passing photographs;

Like the window view through a moving train.

Somehow,

I drifted back into sleep.

I woke up properly,

4 hours after I went to bed.

I almost thought that it didn't really happen.

I almost didn't believe it.

But I was aware enough in that point in time,

To know that it was as real as it could be.

I realised that my nightmare

Was not the only of its kind.

Last night was a continuation.

And I wish with all my heart,

That it stops there.

It occurred to me,

That real life can be far scarier than any imaginary world can be.

1.11.15

x

Reality.

On a seemingly humdrum night,

I came across this video in my Subscriptions page.

I've looked up to Essena for a while now and I've agreed very much with her outlooks on things.

This video I attached is about the reality of social media. & all the things that we sometimes realise for ourselves, but we brush them off and refuse to accept it.

Because it is easier. Because it is now considered the norm.

Because we cannot imagine life without saving 5 minutes at the end of every single social event to take a selfie/group picture to post on your instagram.

Because we cannot imagine not having something to do or look at when we have time on our hands.

Because we cannot imagine not knowing what's going on in the lives of our friends or our favourite celebrities or 'goals af' models.

There are so many things that I agree with in her video, and it's just amazing how she managed to put such things into words. To realise it, to accept it, to broad over it, to speak about it and then put it out into the world.

If you noticed, there are so few Youtubers who actually do this. Who put such controversial yet honest content out to their viewers. Who say things that we many not necessarily want to hear but need to know. 

This video made me think. It made me step back and look at things from a different perspective. And I can't even explain how much brighter and clearer things are here. There were teeny tiny pockets of time, possibly even just 1 second, when I realised "why the heck am I so obsessed with how many likes I have?", "why the heck do I dress up and HAVE to take a picture to post it online?" and "why the hell do I have to think about what people like to see and not what I like to do?"

For myself, the children of my generation and perhaps the generations following, we have and will be born into the world of endless possibilities, knowledge and insight with a click of a mouse or the tap of a finger. We were born into a world of technology and social media, where we'll know what all our friends are up to in a little device in my pocket 24/7. We were born into it, so accustomed to it, that now we have absolutely and completely no freaking idea how to reverse it or break away. We have no idea what has to be done or what we can do, because in the first place, it never occurred to us.

It rarely occurred to me that I was being sucked into a black hole of comparisons, dependence and insufficiency. 

We compare ourselves with everything we see online now. Sometimes even sub-consciously. We rarely realise that when we see a person with a 'perfect body', we are literally making comparisons with ourselves, others and this specific person/body type/what we call 'objectified substance'. You like the picture because you love her abs, her long legs and her voluminous hair. You don't like the picture  because she loves health, because she helps animals, or any other reason. You don't see beyond the object in the photo. It's almost like pictures have made things so... 2-dimensional. At least, the pictures of todays generation and the majority of the pictures we see on social media. We see it and that's it. There's not much of "A picture speaks a thousand words". If it does, most of the time, all those words are just words of judgement, words of comparison, words of insecurity and words of "oh my god she's flawless she has like zero pimples." I know some of us can simply see one selfie and spend the entire day thinking about why you cannot be like her. 

We have objectified ourselves. We have identified a target and our sub-conscious minds spends every waking day striving to achieve it. Sometimes, these targets are not obtainable, but sculpted by society and the box of accepted beautifuls. We see a picture of a girl and straight away zoom into specific features. We lay out a judgement and things carry on from there - positive or negative, it could go either way. That's what I mean by 2-dimensional. Each picture that we see is immediately judged upon a scale; hundreds, millions of invisible, imaginary scales or units that we have created over time.

We depend on others. We depend on others to bring us up or sink us down. Our view of our self-worth has become dependent on others and we rely on them to determine our happiness and the course of our life. It sounds harsh and over-exaggerated, but that's really what it is.

We see a picture of what we think of as perfect. We think about ourselves; our own body, our own work, our own standards; and we make comparisons. We think about where we stand beside the specimen, and I know majority of people place themselves lower. I do. And it sucks.

And how does this affect us? We spend our whole day thinking about it. On better days, we spend at most 10 minutes brooding over it and then you don't. But little do we realise that it adds up to the pile. It adds up to our stock of our unhappiness with ourselves. It slowly accumulates to become far worse, becoming things that we can no longer escape and improve. We go on with life unhappy with ourselves, allowing these things to negatively affect the way we look at ourselves and things all around us. How far can we possibly go in life, being so unsatisfied? Very honestly, as a 15 year old in the Year 2015, I believe that my fellow counterparts and myself, have already surpassed far beyond that stage. I wouldn't say it is too late to change. I'd say that it has gotten to a dire point, and

 our obsession has become habit.

We live feeling insufficient now. We are never fully satisfied with what we have, and we rarely ever see the glass as half-full. Even if the glass was full, we'd say, "Well, the glass is too small." This case I would say is okay for certain instances, as most things are; moderation is in fact key. But in the case where we see ourselves as insufficient, we see others as insufficient... that's a different story altogether. Now this is not another one of my rants that revolve around how much we should love ourselves and respect our physical bodies more. It is about everything combined.

It has come to the point where we even want to copy and paste personalities and mannerisms. Even when we know we are not supposed to, because one cannot expect a lion to run as fast as a cheetah, no matter how similar they are. It's mind-boggling. We literally want to become a different person.

We want to workout because we want to have a nice body so that we can have more likes on our photos.

We want to eat healthy because healthy food looks good and gets a bunch of likes.

We want to get a white table because white tables are good backgrounds for pictures, and it will get a lot of likes.

We want to wear white and black because it is a trend and it says you are cool, so it will get a lot of likes.

We want to laugh a certain way, bite our nails a certain way, all in all act a different way, because it looks good, especially when other people see it.

And it is sure to get a lot of likes.

We let society's standard dictate us, our decisions and how we live our life. We don't do things with purity, with an aim to attain self-accomplishment now. We do things so that we can talk about it, post about it and get people talking about us. We want to become the subject matter of their thoughts and their conversations. We obsess with putting up a front that is most acceptable, and we forget that being exactly who we are is exactly enough. 

It is never ending. There will always be a new trend. There will always be a new 'cool', a new 'chic' and a new 'perfect'. If we let ourselves fall too far down this hole, we will not be able to climb back up.

I can only fathom what the future holds. There are so many positives yet so many negatives. There are so many paths this could take, so many in the direction of global and individual success, so many in the direction of a standstill or even of degradation. One of the things made clearer today, is that Life and this world is contradictory in some way. Like the concept of Yin & Yang, except the lines and swirls are blurred and smudged. The uncertainties of almost everything in life make up the tiny particles that blur out these lines, because there are indeed so many possibilities. But then again, it seems to me that far too many people are being spectators. Far too many are not enticed nor empowered to act and to make some things clearer. I ponder how we can change this.

-

I can't wait to prance around the room,
and tip-toe,
and hop,
and just express happiness through my step.

x

Love.

Love,

has the ability to make us do things.

It has the power to make us act, get on our feet & get on our way.

It makes us do things that we don't usually do.

& it makes us do things that are frowned upon by others.

It makes us do things without thinking,

it makes us speak, and act

in ways that we may appreciate, or regret,

Forever.

Love,

is able to make us feel much more,

the root cause of a snowball of feelings,

all the fuss and uncertainty and confusion,

the anger, the disappointments or the indescribable joy,

the main driving force behind the book of our lives,

the conflict that keeps the story going,

the hook that keeps us coming back for more,

never able to really put the book down.

Love,

is the way my mother cares for & gives in with no complaint,

the way my sister says 'I Love You' 

in the form of fashion advice and shopping trips together.

It is the way you care so much, you stumble, or fall flat on your face.

It is the way that no matter what,

 they are always there to help you up.

It is the way you grasp on to last days like air,

It is the way you smile as you remember the times we once shared.

Love,

is the way tears fill eyes as your heart warms.

Love is the way she still believes no matter what continent he is on.

Love is the way people trust, and Love is the way people still hold on to hope.

Love is the way you see them,

in the shade of cream,

the scent of lavender,

and a pair of shoes.

Love is the way words don't need to be said to be understood.

Love is the sacrifices that don't seem like sacrifices at all,

and Love is the most beautiful, powerful and perfect thing of them all.

x

16.10.15

Too many things on my mind.

I don't know where to start.

I don't know too many things.

x

How She'll Never Believe It.

& for the rest of her life,

she'll never believe it.

She will never believe that she is capable, beautiful, or even possible.

She'll always take compliments for politeness,

kindness with ulterior motives.

She will think of nowhere beyond

"you're too kind",

and she will always think that she is not good enough.

She will never find the beauty within herself,

no matter how many times it has been said to her.

She will never believe the light she radiates,

the lives she touches,

the possibility of being so deeply loved.

She will never see the stares her beauty attracts,

she never has her head up to even see them.

She will never believe that she's capable of being cared for and adored,

Let alone being loved.

& that's one of the saddest stories on this Earth.

x

Perfect.

Perfect.

I am nowhere near perfect.

I don't claim to be. I don't believe in myself to be. I know I am not. It is not a question.

I am not always right, and I always make mistakes. I make baseless assumptions and I overreact.

Sometimes, I think I am right, when I am so wrong. And a lot of times, I act in ways that I could have done better. And I make bad decisions.

It is hard to accept it sometimes.

We are so used to ourselves. And it's like human nature to believe that we are right. It's human nature to have a sense of pride. And no, that is not wrong.

But even if it's hard, we have to do it.

We have to come to the realisation that perhaps, we are wrong. We have to allow ourselves to admit that perhaps, we have no idea what the hell we are doing.

I think it's important for that to happen. And that's why I am writing this now.

Because again, I do not claim to be perfect. And I know for a fact I am not.

I have let people down. I have let people go, when I should have held on. I hurt people that I love, and I give up on people who deserve to be fought for. I leave the ones who need me the most and I lose faith in the ones that need my support more than anything.

I let overthinking turn into overreacting. I let insecurities turn into blame or defensiveness.

I let rumours affect how I look at people. I let my own assumptions cloud my views.

I have a stupid tendency of letting people go. For stupid reasons, may I add as well.

I think about all the times my friends don't act how I want/need them to. And then I think "Oh, whatever, they don't care for me. That's it then."

I told you it was stupid.

And I keep thinking that the most "perfect" friend/group of friends would just magically appear in my life and would do everything that I ever needed them to, and would always, always be there for me no matter what and would always, always stay.

But I've come to the realisation that that's absolutely BS.

That for all I know, the people I'm so desperately and blindly looking for was in front of me this whole time. That I should stop letting them down, stop giving up on them, and stop assuming that in the future someone better would come and take their place.

I'm an emotional, unbelievably cliche and dramatic person.

When I'm happy, I'm really happy. And when I'm sad, it's like the world shattered into a billion trillion pieces and my life is gonna end and everything.

And I really need to stop expecting my friends to be able to handle that 'perfectly'.

My closest friends are actually some of the most unemotional people I know. LOL.

And I know, if there would be a time when I cry in front of them, they would be so lost as to what to do. And it kind of amuses me now because although sometimes it's hard, that I have to kind of hold back on my 'upset-ness' to reduce the awkwardness that they'd have to feel, it's funny at the same time.

I need to stop expecting them to do everything that is good for me, or react the way that I hope.

And yes, it sounds self-centred but let's be honest here. Everyone wants their friends to be there when they are down and have the whole comforting thing. It's pretty much the point of friendships.

My friends are good listeners. Not good advisors. They have admitted to me.

And the thing is, I've learned to be okay with that.

We need to realise that with accepting ourselves as being far from perfection, we need to stop expecting perfection from the people around us as well.

We need to stop expecting and start accepting.

We need to stop hoping, and start realising.

Realise the things that they do do for you, and realise all of the amazing things that they are.

And even if your friends did do something that kind of upsets/disappoints you, I think there are way better methods of solving the problem. Instead of simply giving up and ignoring them for the rest of your life, and switch the status from friend to acquaintance, which in actual fact is not solving the problem at all. I know I do that a lot. And I've found how silly that is.

I did it a lot because I felt insecure. I thought "better save myself from this before I get too deep and really hurt myself." It's a habit I have acquired.

But it's a habit I'm desperately trying to kick.

And to sidetrack a bit,

I want to say that I know there is a lot of pain in the world. And I am aware that even the people closest to me feel pain and I may not even know when they are at their tipping point. I know that people, like me, have a tendency of pushing people away because of fear of getting too close. I know that people, like me, do it without realising it now. 

It's a pity. Because we forsake the relationships we can have, the feelings that we can share, because of the fears of being let down. And I know for a fact that being given up on, or being abandoned is a very real and possible thing. But at the same time, we shouldn't be afraid of it. 

I'm still trying to improve on that. I'm still trying to get rid of this imaginary 15cm ruler between me and the people around me. I'm still trying to stop overthinking and stop thinking of the worst of people before I even know and understand them. It's going to take a while, but I guess it's the first step to realise it.

It's all a very complicated thing. What we do and the way we act, is drawn from so many things. So many aspects of our lives, personalities and past experiences. They shape the way we make decisions and the way that we allow people into our lives. They shape the way that we think of ourselves and the way that we, therefore, treat others.

I think it's important to remember that compassion, though painful, is necessary. And empathy, although hard, is essential to compassion. I say this because people make mistakes. I make mistakes. But there may be many reasons behind why they make such mistakes. People cannot be completely generalised into 'evil' or 'she is just selfish and immature and ungrateful'. Because that's what you think only in response to their actions, and not because of their reasons.

Perfection should not be sought after by anyone. Because although it sounds pessimistic, it is impossible. No one is going to be a complete saint. No one can be. We are going to make mistakes and we are going to make the wrong decisions. We are going to think in ways that even your subconscious mind tells you "how can you think like that." 

Perfection is subjective. My perfect may be completely different from yours. This applies to every aspect. A 'perfect' life, a 'perfect' appearance, a 'perfect' home, a 'perfect' friend, a 'perfect' reaction, a 'perfect attitude. It's totally unrealistic to expect someone to tick all the boxes of your 'perfect' list, so don't. Because we so often complain about ourselves, so often try finding things that we do not have in ourselves, and even we can't attain our own level of perfection. So why expect someone else to?

I am nowhere near perfect.

You aren't either.

So, I guess our world would be perfectly imperfect, perfectly diverse and perfectly different.

Which is absolutely perfect for me.

-


Signing Off...
CLL

Forgive Me.

Forgive me

For the way I see the worst in things.

Forgive me,

For at the same time, I see the best.

Forgive me,

For not all days these parallels exist.

Forgive me,

For the way I see myself.

Forgive me,

For the way I see others.

Forgive me,

For the lack of trust I put in them.

Forgive me,

For how I doubt so easily.

Forgive me,

For the immenseness of my stubbornness.

Forgive me,

For the way I think about ulterior motives.

Forgive me,

For sometimes, most times,

there are absolutely none.

Forgive me,

For the frustrations such an attitude brings.

Forgive me,

For how much harder it makes easy things become.

Forgive me,

For not having an explanation.

Forgive me,

For the fruitless efforts of articulation.

Forgive me,

For my all that is not enough.

Forgive me.

You, the World & Me.

Where Do I Start?

Where do I start?

From the beginning? Well, that was way before my time.

Before I knew what was happening. Before I even could. Before I even experienced Life in fact.

So where do I start?

I am not sure of the beginning. I am not sure of the history. I am not sure of the reality.

I do not know which is more wrong, or which is more true. I do not know which is clouded by anger and judgement, and I do not know which is overcome by pain and grudge.

I do not know what he is like when we are not around. I do not know what I don't see. I am not sure of what I hear, or what I think. 

I only know, for sure, what I feel.

And what I feel,

is a jumble of so many things. So many bad things. The worst things.

So many things, I am unable to distinguish them from each other anymore.

Like paint running over each other, creating colours that do not have a name.

Like the water from a river, merging with the water from the sea.

Like the mix between love and infatuation, confidence and arrogance.

But all of them have something in common.

Colour.

Water.

Feelings.

Personality.

And though I do not know exactly what I feel, I know that I do not like it.

Fear.

Pain.

Insecurity.

Doubt.

Anger.

Who does?

I know how I feel, and how I want to react in response.

I want to run away. Escape. Seek refuge.

I want to find a safe haven. A bomb shelter. Open arms.

Anything.

And one of the worst things that can ever happen, I have learnt, in this world,

Is running away but never being able to be freed.

Like strings pulling you backwards, all the things associated with what you fear most.

Memories. Sights. Sounds. Smells. Feelings. People.

Responsibilities. Filiality. Respect.

Humanity.

I could run.

I could slam doors. I could say no. I could ignore everything. I could drop everything.

I can hate them all. I can not ever give a damn about it.

But then I'd be irresponsible. 

I'd be unfilial.

I'd be disrespectful.

I'd be inhumane.

All the hurt has been done.

And now what feels like everything that I do,

brings me back and reminds me of everything.

I am trapped in my own mind.

I am trapped in my own body, in my own life.

People waltz into my life.

When I try so hard to forget.

And they remind me of everything again.

They tell me to sympathise.

To understand.

To give in.

To stop resisting.

To try to reconcile.

I think about it so often, and at times I question myself, why is such a thing so hard to do?

But at the end of the day, I am unable to do it.

What they demand of me is too much.

I've spent my life being sad about it.

And suddenly, I've started to become angry.

I've started to not resist admitting my anger.

Because I am.

I am angry.

I am upset too.

I am so upset that words cannot describe, nor colours, nor analogies.

It seems like Life would never be okay.

But I am angry,

about how people decide that I am okay.

That I ought to be.

How people assume that I am strong enough.

That I can handle it.

That I will listen and I will do.

I am angry,

that people think I'm too young to understand.

But at the same time,

expect so much of me.

I am angry,

that people had the audacity to tell me

that they understand and they empathise,

but that he is hurting too.

I am angry,

that such comparisons are made,

as if my pain is any less than another.

I am angry,

that he, the adult,

is being stood up for,

as if he is an abused animal,

sad but 'no, his actions are understandable,

no, you have to understand,

no, he is only lashing out because he is hurt.'

I am angry,

because out of everyone who is in pain,

we, the children,

are the ones who are not being defended,

not being understood,

and not being protected.

When can there be a day,

when someone tells us,

'I understand',

and never, ever,

have to include the word 'but' behind it?

When can there be a day,

when someone talks to me,

with no motive other than to make me feel okay?

When can there be a day,

when no conditions have to be met,

when nothing else has to be said,

than what I feel and what I know?

It seems awfully self-centred.

But I've already become uncaring.

-

Here's to trying our best.

Life is full of whirlwinds, isn't it?

You never really know what's about to happen. Whether bad things will turn around, or how long good things will stay. It's a battle everyday, and those of us who know how fast things change, are constantly at a scramble to make the most of the good things in Life.

The past few months have been a period of many changes. Good changes, yes, but scary changes.

Large-scale lifestyle changes, mindset changes, all of the things we are absolutely terrified of. They were and are not baby steps anymore, no longer spoon-feeding vegetable after vegetable, in hopes that one day you'll like eating them.

^ For the record, I like most vegetables. Except peas. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

Anyways, I'd like to welcome you into my life right now. And all the changes that have come along and taken residence in it.

My mother hasn't been working for the past 2 years. And in September, she returned to work again. I won't say much about it, because it's not something for me to share, but I cannot be happier that my mother is doing something she loves and enjoys, and has such immense passion for. I must say, it's a pretty demanding 9 to 5 job. And it's a minor shock because I have to admit that I've already gotten so used to having a backup plan when it comes to transport to and from school. It's a blessing to have a quick car ride home after a long day at school, and when you are really in no mood to meet any people on public transport, let alone be socially acceptable. Well, we all have those days.

It's pretty much in her job description to travel. She's currently in Switzerland, a place she's fairly familiar with. While for the past week, I was busy mugging for exams. It's pretty much understandable that I get so incredibly jealous of her when she sends all the pictures.

Plus, in case you don't follow my instagram, my sister has been in Melbourne, Australia for the past couple months now. She's studying there whoo! I was really sad when she first left and I still do miss her. But we've both always been pretty independent and stuff so we are used to long periods of time not getting to spend time with each other. Also, we FaceTime pretty frequently so I've kind of adapted to living without another annoying teen in the house. But she turned 20 three days ago so she's no longer a teen. Oh my goodness.

Going down the list of people living under the same roof, guess what guys, I'm no longer at the luxury of a domestic helper doing my everything!!! Yea, this was a pretty major change in our household. My entire life I was literally spoilt by the help from my domestic helpers. I barely did my own laundry, barely did any sort of chores for that matter. It was a pretty spontaneous and quick decision for my mother to not have a domestic helper anymore. And I, surprisingly, was pretty calm about it. I mean, okay, I'm not SO spoilt that I don't want to do shit by myself. I just didn't do it because someone else was always there to take on the job. It scared me a bit I have to admit. In the busy schedule of a studying kid like me, I never really had to fit time in for chores. It's another responsibility on my shoulders now. But I knew from the start that this would be really, really good for me. I'd be so much more independent and headstrong. And no one could really have too much of that.

Also, for the past month, I've been spending some time hobbling around on crutches. Yes, crutches. I tore my ligament in a friendly, chill, passionate game of soccer in school. I fell and it turned out to be so bad omg haha! My ankle swelled to about twice its size, I went to the A&E, spent my entire September holidays at home studying and I made my whole class move down to the first floor and push me around in a wheelchair. Sounds like a lot of fun? HELL NO. It was really bad. It was, and probably is, one of those periods when I feel most vulnerable. I can't do a lot of things that I love to do and make me happy, and that just makes me feel down a lot more. I'm still dealing with it in my own way, and everyday is a challenge of both physical and mental strength. 

It's really been an uphill battle the past few months. But I've grown to kind of accept how Life has the habit of throwing you unexpected things, and the best thing that you can do is catch the ball and make the best of it. It's scary, it's a test of your strength and will, and it's not easy. 

But here's to trying our best. (:

Thanks for reading!!!

Signing off...

CLL

Testing 1,2,3.

It's me, again.

It's been so many months; it feels like years. 

I, too, feel like I've aged by 10 odd years. I wish I could say that I was living the life right now, but as depressing as it is... I'm really not haha.

It's the repercussions of over-enthusiasticness, and biting off way more than one can chew. I guess it was a hereditary trait passed down from my mother- the habit of taking up too many things all at once. And then one day, it hits us how tired we are, and we regret it a bit. But there's no one other than myself to blame... and there's no one other than myself to be thankful for at the same time. 

It's the most bizarre thing because half the time I just feel like giving up and dropping everything and not having to even feel or think this much about something. But at the same time, I love what I do and I love why I do it. Oh, I apologise for how vague this is. I'm referring to my duties. lol.

Anyways, I take up things that I'm truly, honestly interested in. And I take up leadership roles to lead those whom I care about, and to lead for what I care about. I never really wanted top positions. I never wanted to be Class Chairman. I wanted to be the Vice. I never really wanted to be President of Interact. I wanted to be the Vice. 

But somehow, in someway, I ended up here as what I am. In no way am I bragging- I never thought of this in that way. It's simplistic honesty.

So as I was saying, Life just kind of brought me here. And I'm not unhappy with my positions or anything. In fact, I'm not unhappy at all. It's just more than I expected. But I can safely say that, because I pretty much only involve myself in things I care about. Like as Class Chairman, I will do anything for my classmates. They mean so much to me, and I value them so much. It is, in fact, an honour to be able to lead them. 

As President of the Interact Club, I care about my interactors just the same. I want to empower interactors to do good for the people around us, and broaden perspectives on "Community Service".

However, at the same time, my job in Interact can't be and isn't all just Community Service. I won't go too much into it, but there are so many other things to do, like organising events and all. I get so much more stressed out over those things, because they are just not things I'm interested in as an Interact leader.

Wait what, how did I get here?

Oh yea anyways, that's just a section where I was trying to figure out and put down my thoughts about everything that has been going on.

It's been affecting me a lot, because not only is there the strain of expectations for myself, there is the pressure from others like teachers. Sometimes, teachers can be not as pleasant as you want them to be, and as a person like myself, I get really affected by it.

There are other things I engage in that take up my time and energy, but I still love doing them. Recently, I went on a 9 day trip to Vietnam, and trekked thousand-meter mountains and saw views of indescribable beauty. I have so much to say about that trip, and I'll be saving a blogpost solely for thats soon. For the past 2 weeks ever since I returned from Vietnam, I never had one  moment of a break, seriously. I felt like, and perhaps still feel like I am suffocated, and like I haven't taken a breath for the longest time. Like underwater is my home now, only that I wasn't fully adapted before getting submerged completely.

All I know is, those 9 days in Vietnam, I missed lessons, I missed topics taught. Of course, in the back of my mind I was worried about the upcoming exams. But never in my life, did I feel so alive.

I yearn for that feeling again. And every time I think about it, I question why I am even here. Why I am even spending so much time worrying about almost unimportant things, getting upset over unimportant people, and apologising for things I don't feel sorry for. 

I correct myself when I catch myself thinking this. Because I know that my work here is not useless, that school is not useless and I am here for a reason. It's some of the most undesirable and tough conditions to work under, but I believe that my time will come. My time when I will be able to feel what I felt in Vietnam.

I'm not one to give up easily. The past few days have felt like strikes to my chest and bullets to my head. It has felt like I'm constantly being pushed down and wrestled. But I know that it'll get better and that this is only a test.

I'll ace this goddamn test.

Signing off...

CLL