Just Being Me.

Every single day we are learning about ourselves.

About what we love, what we hate, and who we are.

The process wasn't meant to be an overnight thing. Nobody ever put a due date on the back of it. I guess it's because we never really stop. We never really come to a day when we can say "I know everything about myself." And also, we are ever-changing. Even if we are fortunate enough to have conquered the tedious task of understanding ourselves, we'd still have to face the battle again a few years, even months later. 

The past couple of months have been... a journey.

I've come to terms with a lot of myself. I've come to terms with how humans are so incredibly confusing that we have to put aside the rationalisation of why we do things or think certain ways. Sometimes, I doubt whether we even have reasons for doing some things at all. I've beaten myself up countless times, hated myself even, for not being able to understand why I feel certain ways, or why I do certain things. And I've come to accept that maybe I'm not supposed to. And if it's in my nature to feel, think or behave someway, well, I'll leave it as just being 'Me'.

I haven't been completely victorious about the whole accepting myself thing, but I have made some progress.

Here are some things I have had trouble accepting.

I make mistakes. And a heck load of them. Sometimes, I am greedy and I am selfish. I process things differently, and I can be awfully stubborn. I am terrified of commitments, and I am terrified of fitting into a box. I overreact, and sometimes I am overly-righteous. I yearn for attention, and I love the idea of love. I find trouble believing in things I cannot see. I hold grudges, and I can almost never ever get over them. Sometimes, I underestimate myself, yet a lot of times, I am over-ambitious. I want acceptance from others, and very often I let that define my life. I worry and I overthink, like way too much. I have a body that is not society's vision of 'perfect'. And I judge myself very harshly.

I am a mixing bowl filled with confusion, irony and contradictions. 

x

Love,

CLL