It's me, again.
It's been so many months; it feels like years.
I, too, feel like I've aged by 10 odd years. I wish I could say that I was living the life right now, but as depressing as it is... I'm really not haha.
It's the repercussions of over-enthusiasticness, and biting off way more than one can chew. I guess it was a hereditary trait passed down from my mother- the habit of taking up too many things all at once. And then one day, it hits us how tired we are, and we regret it a bit. But there's no one other than myself to blame... and there's no one other than myself to be thankful for at the same time.
It's the most bizarre thing because half the time I just feel like giving up and dropping everything and not having to even feel or think this much about something. But at the same time, I love what I do and I love why I do it. Oh, I apologise for how vague this is. I'm referring to my duties. lol.
Anyways, I take up things that I'm truly, honestly interested in. And I take up leadership roles to lead those whom I care about, and to lead for what I care about. I never really wanted top positions. I never wanted to be Class Chairman. I wanted to be the Vice. I never really wanted to be President of Interact. I wanted to be the Vice.
But somehow, in someway, I ended up here as what I am. In no way am I bragging- I never thought of this in that way. It's simplistic honesty.
So as I was saying, Life just kind of brought me here. And I'm not unhappy with my positions or anything. In fact, I'm not unhappy at all. It's just more than I expected. But I can safely say that, because I pretty much only involve myself in things I care about. Like as Class Chairman, I will do anything for my classmates. They mean so much to me, and I value them so much. It is, in fact, an honour to be able to lead them.
As President of the Interact Club, I care about my interactors just the same. I want to empower interactors to do good for the people around us, and broaden perspectives on "Community Service".
However, at the same time, my job in Interact can't be and isn't all just Community Service. I won't go too much into it, but there are so many other things to do, like organising events and all. I get so much more stressed out over those things, because they are just not things I'm interested in as an Interact leader.
Wait what, how did I get here?
Oh yea anyways, that's just a section where I was trying to figure out and put down my thoughts about everything that has been going on.
It's been affecting me a lot, because not only is there the strain of expectations for myself, there is the pressure from others like teachers. Sometimes, teachers can be not as pleasant as you want them to be, and as a person like myself, I get really affected by it.
There are other things I engage in that take up my time and energy, but I still love doing them. Recently, I went on a 9 day trip to Vietnam, and trekked thousand-meter mountains and saw views of indescribable beauty. I have so much to say about that trip, and I'll be saving a blogpost solely for thats soon. For the past 2 weeks ever since I returned from Vietnam, I never had one moment of a break, seriously. I felt like, and perhaps still feel like I am suffocated, and like I haven't taken a breath for the longest time. Like underwater is my home now, only that I wasn't fully adapted before getting submerged completely.
All I know is, those 9 days in Vietnam, I missed lessons, I missed topics taught. Of course, in the back of my mind I was worried about the upcoming exams. But never in my life, did I feel so alive.
I yearn for that feeling again. And every time I think about it, I question why I am even here. Why I am even spending so much time worrying about almost unimportant things, getting upset over unimportant people, and apologising for things I don't feel sorry for.
I correct myself when I catch myself thinking this. Because I know that my work here is not useless, that school is not useless and I am here for a reason. It's some of the most undesirable and tough conditions to work under, but I believe that my time will come. My time when I will be able to feel what I felt in Vietnam.
I'm not one to give up easily. The past few days have felt like strikes to my chest and bullets to my head. It has felt like I'm constantly being pushed down and wrestled. But I know that it'll get better and that this is only a test.
I'll ace this goddamn test.
Signing off...
CLL
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