29.11.15

Rain fell tonight.

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29.11.15

Just Being Me.

Every single day we are learning about ourselves.

About what we love, what we hate, and who we are.

The process wasn't meant to be an overnight thing. Nobody ever put a due date on the back of it. I guess it's because we never really stop. We never really come to a day when we can say "I know everything about myself." And also, we are ever-changing. Even if we are fortunate enough to have conquered the tedious task of understanding ourselves, we'd still have to face the battle again a few years, even months later. 

The past couple of months have been... a journey.

I've come to terms with a lot of myself. I've come to terms with how humans are so incredibly confusing that we have to put aside the rationalisation of why we do things or think certain ways. Sometimes, I doubt whether we even have reasons for doing some things at all. I've beaten myself up countless times, hated myself even, for not being able to understand why I feel certain ways, or why I do certain things. And I've come to accept that maybe I'm not supposed to. And if it's in my nature to feel, think or behave someway, well, I'll leave it as just being 'Me'.

I haven't been completely victorious about the whole accepting myself thing, but I have made some progress.

Here are some things I have had trouble accepting.

I make mistakes. And a heck load of them. Sometimes, I am greedy and I am selfish. I process things differently, and I can be awfully stubborn. I am terrified of commitments, and I am terrified of fitting into a box. I overreact, and sometimes I am overly-righteous. I yearn for attention, and I love the idea of love. I find trouble believing in things I cannot see. I hold grudges, and I can almost never ever get over them. Sometimes, I underestimate myself, yet a lot of times, I am over-ambitious. I want acceptance from others, and very often I let that define my life. I worry and I overthink, like way too much. I have a body that is not society's vision of 'perfect'. And I judge myself very harshly.

I am a mixing bowl filled with confusion, irony and contradictions. 

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Love,

CLL

(Un)Expectance

Almost like a suction force

Almost like a lurking thief

Steals away the energy and life

Sometimes coming expectedly.

18.11.15

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LiLing googles Vietnamese captions

I was scrolling through my instagram and then I saw a picture that Vicky, my roommate during iREs Days (*cries*) posted.

It was a picture of an area in the Bidoup Nui Ba National Park, which is where we went to study the trees/nature during the iREs trip. She wrote an(several) essay-long captions in Vietnamese, and I went on Google translate because I'm me.

She wrote all about what she remembered from the trip, and although Google translate obviously messed up most of it, as usual, I could still understand what she was referring to. I was literally just in bliss reading it, not only because Google translate's mistakes are so random and so incredibly wrong, but because I remember all those things that she was talking about.

I miss them so much. 

I've been writing to some of them.

I just wanted to post these screenshots on here because I think it'll be nice to look back on them.

Hehe goodnight.

Love,

Li Ling

11.11.15

The past couple of days have been pretty unproductive and productive at the same time.

Unproductive in terms of school work and revision. Productive in terms of other work.

I've been doing a bunch of stuff for Interact: Proposals, planning, the normal stuff. And also, I spent SO LONG doing this publicity video for Open House & CCA Promo. I worked so hard on it, it's crazy. I've also been busy making slides for another presentation that I'm doing back at my former primary school. In case you didn't know, I'm an ex-temaskian whoohoo! And a proud one as a matter of fact.

When I'm not doing those things, I'm watching Game of Thrones. And just so ya'll know, that show is the most gory and also one of the most... "naked" shows I've ever seen. It's almost pretty much porn. LOL. But trust me, it has a proper story line, and it's pretty interesting. 

I feel so guilty for completely abandoning studying. It is so so so bad and I'm mentally slapping myself. I just really hope I can get the will power and discipline to get back on track soon.

Today, there was an interact session. (Interact is my CCA)

 And most of the session was planning for Open House & CCA promo, but today we did something a little different. We spent about an hour playing bonding games. Something that I've always felt bad for, something I thought I could do better at, as President, is the bonding and the cohesion of the club. I believe I started the Sec ones off on the wrong foot, throwing them into event planning before they even got a chance to get to know each other.  My sec twos are pretty much okay, but I think the sec threes drifted too. Perhaps it's because half of the sec threes are in the excobod.

But I don't know, today was a really good session. I feel like I got to know more about the rest of the interactors, got the sec ones to loosen up a bit as well. It felt really good, and I was really happy with today's session. It felt like a step in the right direction.

I just thought I'd check in with a short one today. 

Have a great rest of the week guys!

Signing off...

CLL

 

06.11.15

Late October was supposed to be the start of our holidays.

As I look back now, and as I think about my juniors and their privilege of having a couple of extra weeks off from school, I realise how much I took for granted in my previous schooling years. 

It's the build up to a year filled with seemingly endless classes and content, with boundless piles of work and revision. A build up to the one examination that we've feared and dreaded since the end of our PSLE 3 years ago. The O'levels has gotten everybody - students, parents and teachers alike, on the edge of their seats. We can only wait on tenterhooks until it is all over.

The past couple of weeks has been filled with extra classes, a period we call "Extended Studies". While the rest of our more junior school population enjoyed extra hours of sleep, we went to school, frantically trying to cover as much of our Sec 4 syllabus. It was like every other day in school. It didn't really feel like it was supposed to be our holidays. I guess most of us have come to terms that this is what it will and has to be like for the next year.

The Extended Studies period has ended, although there are many other activities in school that require our presence and attention. For one, there's still CCAs and plans that have to be made for the upcoming session and our annual camp. Then, there's this extra "Math Care" thing that my mother insists on me attending. I may only be able to attend about 2 of the 13 days though, because of other commitments. I also have this work attachment thing at a Design company that I am honestly really looking forward to, although I'm wishing hard that I would be able to walk by then. And yes, I am still struggling with my ankle. It's mocking me.

I've not been able to go anywhere besides school and in the comfort of my own home. Plus the fact that I've pretty much socially detached myself from the rest of the world... yea, it's a change. But I don't know, although I feel the absence of physical company sometimes, I enjoy time alone. It's been good for me, to take time to do stuff I enjoy and to take time to learn more about myself and what I love. I've been reading, and I've also found myself enjoying to cook. 

In no way are my creations Gordon Ramsay material. Pfft, not even close. But I like just whipping up simple meals for myself. There's a sense of accomplishment to that. 

Most of today was spent reading Harper Lee's "To Kill A Mockingbird". I saw it lying on a storage cabinet outside my aunt's house and I asked if I could have it. To think it was going to be sold at 20 cents to the garang guni aka. collectors of second-hand items, I'm glad I saved it.

My mom and I have also become fond of making smoothies and blending up our fruits and vegetables. Beetroots are apparently in season now so I made a smoothie with it. Call me a girl but I love how pink it is. :P

Ingredients of smoothie:

Beetroot(s), plain yogurt, milk, honey & ice cubes.

I'm not really one to be exact with my smoothies. I kind of just eyeball it and use up as much of what I have in my fridge/pantry. It's an interesting taste and takes some getting use to haha.

-

Mkay, that's pretty much all I have for today. I hope ya'll have a great rest of the week!

With Love,

Signing off...

CLL

2.11.15

My friend Elaine came over today.

We watched a movie on my laptop and we cooked and made wraps and ate donuts and chocolates.

We sang along to songs, made home videos and took Photo Booth pictures.

It was a really good day, & I'm really happy.

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Also, today was the first proper day I started with no Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat! I deleted them off my phone last night. The whole aim of it is to ease myself out of my addiction of social media. I know for myself that I am not in a position where I'm really, really over the top about social 'expectations' and shit due to the use of social media, like Essena claimed to be which was why she made it her mission to break free completely(Refer to "Reality." post). It is understandable why she would go to such extents to prevent herself from going too far. Different people have different experiences with things and hence react differently. I'm really honestly not going to be the type of person to say "I am never, ever going to use social media sites again", just because I've realised the negative side-effects or repercussions it has/can have. I strongly believe that we have a power over how we are affected by things around us. I deleted Twitter and Snapchat mostly because 1) I didn't use them often. 2) When I do use them, most of the things I post on Twitter and Snapchat are honestly nonsense and not beneficial to anyone. 3) They just made me want to publicise my life more. 4) My brain would just immediately think "TWEET" or 'SNAPCHAT" when something happens, and I don't want my life to be like that.

I deleted Instagram because I didn't want to post random nonsense as well, and I wanted to stop comparing likes and followers. I wanted to stop taking out my phone and constantly checking instagram and scrolling through pictures. I wanted to stop thinking/knowing what other people are doing. It might be called choosing to live under a rock, but as my good friend Sidney once said, "I like it under my rock". It is peaceful and personal. 

I know I will redownload Instagram soon sometime in the future. But probably to add another picture that I really like on my page, or to spread a message. 

I'm really, truly not against the users of social media. I am also in no position to judge how people live or choose to spend their time in energy. It is a personal choice. If you are okay with it, then good for you! If you aren't, then take whatever actions you think you ought to. I know that when some people read these types of posts from me they'll be like "lol why are you taking this so seriously" or "omg she's so overdramatic". But aye, there's nothing overdramatic about restricting my time online, judging other people, comparing myself to other people, doing things to make myself have a better outlook on myself and doing things to have, what to me is, a better quality of life. I need to learn to be in the moment and I need to learn the significance of 'smaller' and simpler things. I know how I deal with things and how I react to what I see and gain on social media, and I'm making sure that I improve. 

SO YES - know you, do you.

Have a good day!!!

Lots of Love,

Signing off,

Li Ling

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Nightmares.

Last night,

My sleep broke

Into tears streaming down my cheeks

And an unexplainable weight on my chest.

I was barely conscious,

Out of fatigue I presume.

But I was aware enough

Of my inability to stop crying.

I was aware enough,

Of the trance I had just torn myself out of.

Nightmares.

I rarely had them.

But when I did,

I never dreamed about

Monsters, zombies or serial killers.

Never had a problem

With clowns or vampires.

Though I had exceptions

Of giant insects and needled eyes.

Those nightmares,

I woke shaken but sane.

I laughed about them afterwards.

The things that scare me the most,

The things that appear in my imagination,

Are things that can so easily happen in reality.

Things that I know deep in my heart,

Are my fears that I can never run away from.

Derived from my personality,

My manner of thought.

These dreams,

They occur to me now as a blur,

A cliff-hanger.

540p.

I was not believed.

I was not trusted.

I was wronged for motives

From actions I took but did not mean.

Yet, I could not speak.

I could not articulate.

No one was willing to listen.

When I shook out of it,

I had a dark weight on my throat

And all down my chest.

Like my sternum could not rise and fall.

I shook out of it,

With eyes sealed tight,

But with quiet whimpers escaping my lips.

The pain was almost unbearable,

And I was convinced I was becoming out of my mind.

I was convinced,

I needed a doctor.

I was convinced,

That nothing could ever feel fine.

These came to me in flashes.

Like flipping pages, like passing photographs;

Like the window view through a moving train.

Somehow,

I drifted back into sleep.

I woke up properly,

4 hours after I went to bed.

I almost thought that it didn't really happen.

I almost didn't believe it.

But I was aware enough in that point in time,

To know that it was as real as it could be.

I realised that my nightmare

Was not the only of its kind.

Last night was a continuation.

And I wish with all my heart,

That it stops there.

It occurred to me,

That real life can be far scarier than any imaginary world can be.

1.11.15

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