If I wasn't a human

Have you ever thought of what it'd be like if you weren't human?

No, I'm not talking about if I were Superman or Edward Cullen or anything like that.

Just anything other than a human. I mean, Superman is a man; and so is Edward Cullen.

What if I was just a bird passing by? Or an object like I don't know, a ruler? Have you ever thought of what it'd be like if we didn't do what we do. Or didn't feel what we feel. Or didn't think what we think.

It's a weird thought but sometimes it's scary to think that this is seriously a life. Everything you do or think has consequences. Everything you feel is real. Everything you touch, see and hear is real. Something you do now, can affect you later. 

Something you decide now, will affect you later.

For life.

Not gonna lie, sometimes its too big of a burden that I can bear to hold.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just reading this... storybook. A storybook that dictates this life so detailedly that every second is included. A storybook that has the ability to make me feel so much and feel every single emotion that is in this 'character's' heart and mind. A storybook that can make me so happy, excited and warm. As well as sad, lost and alone.

However, I guess this is no storybook.

One day I'll be grey-haired and withered with age, so close yet so far to 'The End'. It won't just be a picture of me in a book sitting in the front porch, watching the sunset with my small and frail looking body. I will feel the ache in my bones, the tiredness in my eyes and the rhythmic rocking of the rocking chair. I will feel the squinting of my eyes due to the sun's glare and I'll feel the heat on my skin. I'll be able to identify the exact shade of green of the grass, because the paintings and pictures in storybooks will never get it right. 

No storybook will allow you to feel the fullness in your heart when you laugh. No storybook will allow you to feel how the tears running down your face slowly soaks into your skin and leaves a raw and vulnerable trail behind. Or anything near that for that matter.

Even words fall under expectations and limits because even words can't make you feel that. That is, if you and I weren't human, and if we had never felt the same way before.

If I wasn't human, I wouldn't be able to feel the utter loneliness or hurt that I sometimes feel. And if I wasn't human, I would't be able to feel the freedom and fullness of joy and happiness.

A blessing and a curse.

So I guess, instead of asking myself why this is not just some storybook, I should just go with the flow and let fate decide on how my life will continue. If life decides to throw stones in my way, I'll figure out soon enough that after I get through that course it'll be something amazing.

Sorry this post was really messy and confusing. My thoughts aren't very much sorted either. But thanks for reading anyways :) LOVE YA!

Signing off...

CLL