Sometimes, I take on too much and leave myself breathless and exhausted. But sometimes I also leave too much for someone else to take on. This, I've been grappling with for a while. I've been pondering on my obsession with image, my need to be recognised, my attraction towards popularity and fame. Of course, I am too aware of how in many instances I reject being seen and talked about, but it has been increasingly apparent to me how this stands like a massive monolith between me and progress... my betterment as a person. For fulfilment comes in the form of praise, and the things I do not get credit for I often slip and neglect. And many times I have found these things to be most important, and most enriching to my being. It gets tiring too, having to keep hoping that someone is watching with a camera in hand or anything at all to spread the word of whatever fantastic job I am doing.
I wonder if it stems from childhood. I remember a dear teacher telling me the way to get me happy and assured is if one would just say a word of praise and recognition. In class I would think my answer through before I would voice it out, such that in my mind it was near impossible for me to get it wrong and not impress. Times when I do get something wrong I would brood over it, let it eat away at me, and I would never be able to pinpoint what about it was getting me so uncomfortable and embarrassed.
It will take me a long time to get over it I think. But I'll start now and here, and any improvement will make me so happy. The little things matter, even if they are not seen. And regardless my heart will sing.
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