There is a pleasure in the pathless woods.

There is a rapture on the lonely shore.

There is society, where none intrudes,

By the deep sea, and music in its roar.

I love not the man less, but Nature more.

Lord Byron

Confidence

If you're a frequent reader of my blog, you'll know I'm absolutely no exception to insecurities, low self-esteem... I think you get the picture. And I'm really in no position to advise anyone on how their self-esteem/confidence should be like. Everyone says we should a good amount of confidence in ourselves, but we all know that that's easier said than done. In this post, I'll just be writing about what I've learnt about confidence, its ups and its downfalls, but pretty much its ups. xD

I think many people think "confidence" as a negative thing.

'Confidence' itself is vague. However, if you describe someone as "confident", versus "arrogant", there's a significant difference between the two. Arrogance is basically a confidence to another level and to me, I think theres a very, very thin line between the two. Once you overshoot the traffic lights of "confidence", well, what else can I say.

But my point is, confidence is not a negative thing.

In fact, I think it's an amazing and powerful thing. Confidence can do wonders in how people view their life, and how others view each other. 

Pride in ones work, ones hard work, is confidence. Pride in how one is, to an extent, is confidence. I say "to an extent" because there are different levels as I've just mentioned. Theres a huge difference between "I accept and am proud of who I am, and I don't think there's anything to change" and "I'm perfect, I don't have anything to improve on, I'm better than you so go sh*t yourself." There wasn't really a need to put that last part there but just to get the point across :P

I think there's a glow in confident people. They really aren't afraid to make mistakes because they are afraid of how others will view them or what it will do to their reputation. Truly confident people, don't need the validation of others. They realise that they are human, they make mistakes, they can't control what cannot be controlled, and they work with it in a positive and 'can-do' mindset.

Oh gosh, look at me, I sound like a teacher giving a kid their "Class Behaviour" reviews.

But what I just mentioned, I think many, many people lack in.

Even for me, I constantly worry about what people will think of me, or when I "embarrass myself" in front of others, especially school mates or seniors or acquaintances-but-not-quite, I mentally slap myself in the face. It's like "oh sh*t that wasn't cool oh sh*t my life is ruined oh sh*t they are going to laugh at me with their friends" blah blah blah blah blah. And I'd be surprised if I heard that I am the only one who does this, which I'm pretty sure I'm not. In actual fact, most people don't really care about your 'embarrassments' or whatever you make out to be such a big deal in your head. And if they do, and they really go and laugh at you and make fun of you, just remember, when they actually do certain things that make them feel embarrassed or insecure, they beat themselves up 10 times worse. And that's a horrible way to live. 

One of the most attractive things about someone is, yup you guessed it, their confidence.

And I don't mean the "I LOVE GUYS THAT ARE CONFIDENT" type of thing, just people in general. Confidence literally radiates out of them. It makes people around them feel good. Most of the time, you know when a person is confident or not just by looking at them. Of course, a differentiation between confidence and arrogance requires a bit more than just a glance, but still, the way a person acts and carries his or her self, really determines and allows people to see whether he/she is confident or not. 

And the reason why I say confidence is one of the most attractive things about a person is that you know he/she doesn't need others to sing praises, and with that, doesn't need to look down on another person or judge another. There is such personal acceptance and contentment within themselves. And that says so much about a person. About how they view life, how they view and treat their friends, how they treat themselves. Confident people are usually never opinionated, because they are so content with themselves, they don't see the need to point out another person's flaws because of their unhappiness or insecurities- because they have none! You'll know when a person has stepped over the line of confidence to arrogance, when he/she does the total opposite and shoots a person down because of his flaws, or even his mere existence of flaws.

People with low self-esteem do the same, not because they think they don't have flaws, but because they feel so incredibly unhappy with themselves that there is this hate for any person that has a "better trait" or really anything that they admire. It's really sad when you think about it, because can you imagine what it'll be like if someone pointed out what was good about you, instead of make you a target because of what you have that they don't, and pick out your flaws and make fun of you. 

An all-round confident person is almost impossible, if not, incredibly rare.

But it is very much practical to lie in the 80% range of "confidence". Some people, of course, they have feelings and they get hurt by words that people say, but there is that choice they make of whether or not to let it affect them for the rest of their day/week/life, that separates them from the rest. 

I'm currently trying my best to become a more confident person and it is no easy feat, but I believe that one step at a time, I'll get there. We'll all get there.

I think it's okay to make mistakes and embarrass yourself and fall on your ass in public. At that moment, you can say "oh my god kill me now", but get over it. I'm trying to not let it get to me, and I'm trying not to brood over it too much. I can't tell you how many times in previous few years that I think about something and I literally want to hide in a hole for the rest of my life. But now that I think of it, I haven't had that feeling for a long time. Something that really helps me is just to laugh it off. Really. At the end of the day, "A day without laughter is a day wasted."

Something that I think many of us relate to, is the confidence around our friends, and basically other people around us. To be completely honest, I think our generation in general, is pretty fudging judgemental. Not everyone I know, but too many.

I don't know whether it's the exposure to media where you can say anything you want and most of the time not have any consequences, but it's actually to the point where most people can't even do something without having to worry about the retaliation that might come next.

And if I have to bring school into context, being in a girls school really is fantastic in the way that you have a lot in common with your friends and that it's really open.

But at the same time, it's like a silent war going on. Seriously though. 

"Did you see what she was wearing", "omg she's so weird", "omg she's such a teachers pet", "omg what the hell is she even doing that's so lame". 

I've actually heard all these things so often that it almost skims past my ears most of the time.

Nowadays, they don't even have to say it out loud, they just use their actions to gesture to their friends or whatever. It's horrible.

At the same time, I'm really not surprised.

Being girls at this age, we've succumbed to expectations, "norms", level of cool from 1 to 10. Popularity, opinions, "YOU ARE MY GOALS". With all these, there is insecurity, and we all know what happens between girls when there is insecurity, a group of friends, and a victim.

I take in all these comments. And there was a point, where I actually became paranoid. "What if she says that about me". I was so unsure and so scared, that I make wrong moves and I'll be called out and laughed at. This is probably where I need more work on, but little by little, I'm improving. And at the same time, it just becomes sympathy for me, because I think about how much sh*t they must give to themselves about their own insecurities.

You can do so much with confidence. It's really like a barricade, any negativity that anyone throws at you just bounces off. I think people really can sense confidence, and they know better than to try to bring them down. Maybe thats why confident people do everything that they like with so much freedom.

To end this off, heres a quote that I think really encompasses the meaning of confidence.

Thanks for reading and taking in a little bit of my ranting haha!

See ya!

Signing off...

CLL

Rambles 10062015

HELLO THERE!

I'm Li Ling coming to you live from my bedroom and my macbook, with a cup of green tea and a lot of sleepiness.

I just got home after a day with my Chinese project group and I am so tired but I really wanted to blog today so here I am hehe (: I'm gonna be doing some light strength training and stretching exercises after this because my legs are so sore and my muscles are so tight after like a single round of circuit training yesterday. Just goes to show how much I've been slacking in the "keeping fit" department haha!

Oo! I went to watch Mad Max: Fury Road with my sister yesterday and to be honest it was a pretty simple movie, but I don't know I really liked it for the creativity and how different it was to other movies. For one, the movie was filled with really interesting and flipping weird characters. And secondly, it had really unexpected twists in the plot that really got me hooked. It might not be everyones cup of tea, and I was a teeny bit put off by the violence, but I'll leave you to it to watch it and decide yourself. I actually kind of deleted my askfm, so if you're not up for tweeting me @CLLxheart, I would love to hear what you think about it down in the comment box below (:

Now that I think about it, I watched a lot of films over the past few days. They include San Andreas, Begin Again(featuring Keira Knightley and Adam Levine), Insidious 2 and Avengers: Age of Ultron.

I enjoyed all of them, well, I wouldn't be the type to say I enjoy a horror movie(Insidious 2), but it was pretty cool (: 

Begin Again is a really raw and genuine movie, no pretences, and really real. I think many of us can relate to it and there were several instances that warmed my heart. Speaking of this movie, I LOVED Keira Knightley's character and her fashion sense. Her style included a lot of loose yet tailored trousers, mostly neutral colours like a cream or tan, and vintage brown belts with a simple blouse. It's a really English style and really simple which I really like about it. OKAY I'M GETTING A BIT CARRIED AWAY BUT YEA THATS THAT.

A few days ago, my mom said she wanted to watch the movie "San Andreas". But since I had already watched it, she just went ahead and watched it herself. To be honest, I think watching a movie at a movie theatre by yourself is not what many would do, and my mom is a really big inspiration to me, especially when it comes to independence, self-reliance and not giving two sh*ts about what other people may think of you.

I just wanted to share this with you, because I think there are many valuable lessons that can be learnt. I am not the type to usually want to specially go to the movie theatre to watch a movie, and I'd much rather watch it online or on DVD. I almost always go to the cinema with my family or friends, hence it has never really been a question of "why don't you just go to the cinema by yourself?" However, there are day-to-day things such as eating, that I actually had never thought much of before,  until some people pointed out that they think it's a "lame" or "loner" thing to eat by yourself. I have completely no problem eating by myself in public. It's a simple and essential thing that everyone has to do - eat. I'm not going to specially ask someone out so that they can eat with me. And I just wanted to clear this up... eating by oneself is not lame and definitely does not point to the fact that one is lonely/has no friends. If you prefer eating with others, then go right on ahead, but I don't think it's right to look at someone eating alone and start making baseless conclusions. It's important that we know how to be self-reliant, because you're not gonna have someone by your side 24/7 and I really look up to people who have lots of independence, and I find that I learn so much when hanging out with them. ((:

On another note, I actually started my first Amath tuition 2 days ago. I honestly can't even explain how glad I felt to join a tuition, and to finally do something about Amath. I'm no longer floating around, aimless and wandering, but I finally have a direction, a starting point, and more people to help guide me to success. I got many people telling me that my paragraph on "studying harder" in my  Hello Stranger post was really inspirational(thanks frans) so I don't know, I thought I'd keep sharing my progress, in hopes that I continue influencing those around me- positively. I'm definitely not an straight A student in anyway, but I'm trying my very best, which I know many of you guys are too. I'm on this journey with all of you, and I feel what you are feeling too. 

I have several classmates telling me that they are afraid, afraid of what is to happen if they keep failing and what is to happen if they don't improve. Some are terrified that they get kicked out of our class, or even our school. And I get really upset when I hear them speak like that, because they are hanging on the last thread of hope. Some people are geniuses, they can listen in class, study a bit at home, internalise really quickly and they do great in examinations. Others, including me, have a few more bumps in our path. We take twice as long to internalise and understand, we need to go over a passage 5 times, we need to go back and study again and again and again. And even with all this, sometimes we still don't get our desired results. I tell my friends again and again, anybody whom I am able to influence actually, that they aren't stupid and they aren't useless. They just need a bit more time and hard work. It's no use to compare yourself with others all the time, because at the end of the day everyone has different study strategies and habits, patterns and abilities, and at the end of the day they are not the ones holding your result slip, you are. So there's really no point in dwelling in self-pity and loathing, doing nothing but give up and believe the fact that you are stupid. Keep Going.

This post actually turned out to be way longer that I expected it to be, but anyways, it was really nice just putting all of my thoughts into words. (: 

Thanks for reading!

Signing off...

CLL

#McKinney

I'm here, writing as a teenager, a citizen, and a human.

My skin has shades of yellow undertones. I have hair on my skin like every other. I have dark eyes and black hair. I am normal in my country. Yet, in many others, I am different. And in many minds, I am unaccepted.

I was scrolling down my tumblr dashboard, and came across numerous posts about a single topic. One after the other, again and again... The Texas Pool Party Incident or #McKinney.

As I scrolled through them, I didn't know the extent of what was done. I just knew that apparently a cop, with white skin, had pinned down an African American teenager at her pool party for no particular reason at all. 

It was only after seeing the actual video(or video turned gif) did I actually realise the enormity of the situation.

This man was incredibly violent with all the civilians around him. He shouted at them, made them get on the floor. And then turned to an innocent fourteen year old clad in a bikini. He forced her to get down and I quote, "on your face". He literally dragged and slammed her down to the floor. A few of the people around tried to help, but the minute they got close the cop would immediately reach for his gun, threatening them.

I don't need to explain any further. And if one wants more details I'm certain they'll find thousands of posts about it. 

But this, this is the way some people live.

They live in constant fear, at the mercy of others. It was as if they were controlled by the gun, the fear of it, and the stories behind the trigger. They know all too well of what were to happen if they were to make the wrong move. It's absolutely heart wrenching to think that these people can't trust or rely on the policemen that are supposed to protect and care for them. There will always be the possibility of injury and even death. I can't imagine living like that.

I can't even find words to explain the pain and the sympathy that I feel for these people, anyone that has to reconsider their actions or words because of the colour of their skin and the root of their existence. I can't believe that this is the norm in some societies, and I can't believe that this can ever be a norm in someones life. 

What I just saw... is not how someone, anyone should be treated.

They deserve justice, and I don't mean by putting down any other race to do so. 

Is peace between two races such an uphill and far-fetched thing? Is empathy, understanding, love and care so hard to find? Is equality, true equality, ever going to come through? 

I've never written about racism before. But I thought I ought to touch on this incredibly important topic. I would also like to say that I am very very lucky to be able to grow up in an accepting and safe environment, and around people who do not discriminate me for my background. I am aware that in many countries there is racism towards asians and racism is still a very much prevalent thing in our world. I have absolutely no tolerance for any of it, and I respect each and every single person regardless of their skin colour, language, race or religion. I have been raised to think this way, and in my actions I will uphold my values. I personally am lucky to have not had big incidents with racism, but I have friends whom I respect greatly, for their strength regarding racial discrimination.

I've come across certain instances where my friends get slammed online for being a certain race.

Even in our country where we enjoy equality, there is still racism among the people. This fact we cannot deny. Many teens I know actually make jokes about another persons race/religion, and at that point I know whether or not I want to be closely associated with them.

It is not a joke. It is not funny and it is not acceptable.

It is not cool, it doesn't make someone in anyway attractive or any where near likeable.

Issues of race are not for anyone to throw tantrums about, and there are no excuses for the inhumanity of physical and verbal violence.

Watch what you say;

Watch what you do;

End Racisim.

-

Signing Off...

CLL

Little Dummy

Today I saw a butterfly on the ground. Still, but upright. Not yet dead, but barely breathing.

I really wanted to stop and pick it up... not really sure why. Perhaps it was the awe of having such a beautiful, free creature be in my hands. Perhaps it was the want to just shake it to wake it up, say 'hey you little dummy, you're not supposed to die."

Such a creature, we associate freedom, magic and mystery with. I admire these things and it's always a magical experience when you get to get close to these creatures, or so happen they decide to land on your shoulder or flutter past.

I guess it puts things into perspective.

I thought about it for a while, and I realised that the reason why I was so upset and affected by seeing that butterfly helpless on the ground was that, I was snapped back to reality... 

Beautiful things come to an end too.

We really have no way to change this fact. It's nature, it's Life.

I read somewhere, that Death is not the end of Life, it is a part of it.

And although we all know that Death will come to us all one day, it never fails to make us feel pain and grief, fear and anxiety.

Because of this, I think we try our best not to think about Death.

We do that thing where we mentally "slide to power off". We push it to the back of our minds, cramming it in corners. 

Butterflies are not really things you can catch.

Well, if you are equipped with a net, perhaps you can. But there's really no other way to explain it, other than you will never feel the same power and magic, than letting the butterfly land on you itself, or even just land right in front of you. They are the sort of animals that always have somewhere to go and something to do, they fly past you, only to get to the next flower, and you are just a passing blob of 70% water. 

There's a sort of exclusivity and uniqueness to seeing a butterfly so close. 

And maybe I was just like "if I poke it, it'll probably just fall sideways like a capsized boat."

No longer on a mission, just on it's way to... whatever comes after Death.

When it's right in front of you, it loses that strong hold, that captivity that it has when you see it in flight. In front of you, it's just a dying butterfly. But high in the trees, far from your reach, it is unattainable, beautiful, magical, unexplainable. 

-

This reminds me.

I was having a conversation with one of my best friends the other day. We were looking at the night sky from our tuition teachers house(ironic and such a downer, I know) but she lives on the 12th story and has such a great view.  Michaela and I literally spend so much time just staring at the sky, sometimes in absolute silence.

We started talking about stars. And I started sharing about my obsession with galaxies and planets and stars. She told me about a priest who came to her church once, and he preached to the stars. He showed pictures of stars and galaxies, all of the beauty in our skies. And he said that it is amazing that God creates such beautiful things, things that we can't necessarily see. He creates such beautiful things, yet, He created us. And still, He loves us. 

For one, it made me realise that we, humans, really are just products of the Heavens. We were created, just like everything else on this world is created. We can be taken away in a second, and everything we fought for- things like fame and fortune, they would just be useless. We are not in control. We never were. We fight for power over each other, because that's really all we can have power over. 

We continued talking about stars, and how much we haven't seen in this world. Both of us were thinking, "why are so many things created, so many things we can't see, touch or feel."
And at that point I said, "I guess Life is just a little boring when everything is known."

-

When everything is made accessible to us, when nothing is uncertain, when nothing needs digging or discovery, when everything is on a silver platter, we lose the excitement of Life and Earth. We lose mystery and at the same time, we lose drive. We will just be laying around and saying, "I know everything, there is nothing to find out."

Death is a part of this unknown. Like the night sky, it is dark and deep. In Life, you get to a point where there is no more light to allow you to see, and like a sunset, light drains aways slowly and comes to a stop, darkness, and Death is just that. We don't know what happens in Death. Is Death a full stop? Are we forever in a circle of "THE END"? Or is Death another Life, another line continuing forward? 

There are so many questions, questions that can never be answered. And that is Life.

-

I apologise if this blogpost confused you a heck load, perhaps it's my lack of better words and vocabulary. I'm dead tired now, so I won't be surprised if I read this tomorrow and just go "what the heck am I saying?". Anyways, that's it for this one! 

SEE YA!

Signing Off...

CLL