"You're so fat"

I've been avoiding this topic on my blog a lot.

I've written many drafts about this but I end up deleting them.

This is not going to be like my normal blog posts. But I thought by posting this, people out there with the same insecurities could be comforted by the fact that they are not alone. And my blog readers who don't really know me in real life and only through my blog, would know that yes, I am a real person and yes, I have a looott of things that I am insecure about just like any other person.

Well, that is if I actually do post this thing.

Anyways, it has been getting to me a lot. The whole issue with how I look, my weight etcetera. Basically, I am deemed 'overweight' by my school system. I am labelled 'big size' and yes, 'fat'. I can't remember a single time in my life that I felt good about how I looked. I feel my belly fat sticking out and it kinda just feels like a punch in the face. I don't really know how to describe it, but it feels like I am more humiliated with myself more than anything. 

I would say it is my biggest issue. The thing that gets me down the most out of everything. And as much as people tell me and I tell myself that looks are not everything, that everyone will have their insecurities. It doesn't make me feel any better. Y'know when you give advice but as hard as you try you don't follow it? Yup.

I started to take more notice on my body image about a year ago. June 2013 was when I really really wanted to do something about it. I worked out, did Pilates, went real healthy. It was a very big leap. I researched and watched videos and read articles about weight loss and sh*t like that. I still do actually. I went hardcore for about 3 weeks or so lol. And I just kinda lost motivation again. I still kept with some good habits, and I was straying off from junk food but I was still unmotivated and I gained more weight, especially from when I went to Melbourne for vaca.

About October 2013 was the first time the 'overweight' box was ticked in my school report book. And it kinda really crushed me. I was more insecure than ever. And even now, weight and looks have become really sensitive topics to me. I get down a lot because of it. When I think about it for too long sometimes, I'll just have this feeling where idk I try to get the thoughts out of my head by squeezing my eyes shut like really tight but it never goes away and its like that 'ugh adsidhfjbhabflqbwfbljb' feeling.

And it sucks so much and I keep telling myself to stop thinking of myself this way but it's really hard. 

Sometimes I get really desperate and think about fad diets and not eating at all. Sometimes the insecurities get too much and squeezing eyes shut doesn't work and I think about hurting myself.

They are quite destructive you know... Thoughts and insecurities... and words and everything.

Yea...

Thanks for reading this really pointless thingy majiggy...

Bye!

Signing off...

CLL