akaCLL

Hey everyone! I know I haven't done a proper blog post in a while. I have been very busy especially with the upcoming exams and I haven't been my best recently. I know it's no excuse but I just wanted to get a teeny little blog post in today. I just want to chat and tell you about my productive evening today haha!

It is rare to have free time at this time of the school term(CAs), but when I do, I really like to do things that make me happy. I had some homework to do today and I felt really productive so after grabbing a mocha from the vending machine I very spontaneously decided to study beside the pool. I usually(pretty much always) study inside the house and I always find myself getting distracted and feeling bored as heck really quickly.

So today I just sat down, busted out my practice papers and worksheets, did my drama reflection for today's DEP session and ended up staying there for 2 hours. I finished two English comprehensions, my drama reflection and two cans of Nescafe mocha. Not bad eh?

It was really refreshing. Instead of being surrounded by walls all the time, might as well go out and enjoy the evening breeze. It was a really nice change and I felt really good after getting so much done. So yea, just go outside once in a while, when the weather is good and the wind blows through your hair. Nothing puts me in a better mood than being outside.

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A bit of an abrupt change of subject but whatever hehe. Anyways, I got an ask on askfm the other day saying that I've changed and that I was nicer last time and everything. And I really just didn't really know how to answer because it was really vague and when I asked the person to elaborate, well... he/she didn't. LOL. She just said and I quote "idk now you're more ...........?" 

Uhhh what?

I was just really confused so I just told her(i say her because I'm about 99.9% sure the person is female) that I don't know what she expects me to do or say because I can't really do anything with an 'elaboration' like that. However, it has been on my mind a lot and I wanted to address it on my blog.

Firstly, I do kind of get what this person means. Yes, I do realise that I have changed. I don't really know what happened. It happened quite fast. I'm quieter, more anti-social as some people would call it. Honestly, I don't know whether it's just the exams or just that I haven't been in the best state of mind recently. And yes, I have realised I'm not as chirpy and 'hahahahah' now.

But the thing is, there are times when people just get sh*t in their life. People can't be happy and can't laugh at your jokes or entertain you all the time. And it really just tires me out just by thinking about it that just because I've been really chirpy and happy the past year and a half, people expect me to be like that all the time. Yes, I am human. I get angry and I get upset and sometimes I don't laugh because I really just don't feel like it. I look down or I smile politely and I seem like I'm not interested and as if I'm mad at you but I'm really not. I may have had these moments last year but last year idk maybe I had more energy to mask it. And just because I don't feel as well as I did and I'm not as happy as a person as I was a year ago... that means I'm not any nicer of a person? That means that I'm a bad person now? 

Next, I have indeed been pushing people away. 

I do this sometimes unconsciously. And sometimes I do it for several reasons. Number one, they are toxic relationships. I have always been the type of person to try to be friends with everyone. There's nothing wrong with that. But sometimes I cling on to people who are just not good for me. And I try to make the friendship work but it just doesn't because they are not fully invested in the friendship. I end up being Plan B. I end up getting insecure about everything and anything that happens. And that's not how I want to live my life. I want friends who truly care for me and truly want to be around me. And I can't express how much I notice and appreciate it when someone wants to go to class with me, wants to sit next to me, asks me if I want to go down for lunch and not ask me that only when her best friend is not at school or whatever. And no I don't mean that I want people to do that all the time and I don't mean to sound self-centered. Also, I push people away because I know I can't be that person for them as well. I've spent too long trying to please everyone. And now I know that there is nothing wrong from spending your time with people who deserve it.

Secondly, I know they are going to leave anyways. It's kind of the same thing. Not really invested in friendship, they leave. And I get scared. And I'd rather just push them away. I'm at fault I know, but I can't help it. 

I don't push people away because I hate anyone. I drift away because I'd rather be around true friends that I know will stay.

Lastly, maybe I seem like I've changed to being "not as nice" because I stopped behaving the way people want me to. This is the life that I live and I've spent far far too long trying to cater to everyones likes and dislikes. But you know what. I am going to do what I want because I believe that I am not a bad person and I respect whoever that respects me. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm not being arrogant. I'm being confident. I'm standing up for myself.  People nowadays shut confidence down because just the slightest bit of happiness about something they achieve is perceived as arrogance. And in turn, those people think that all they can do their whole life is talk about how they failed. And then people ask why we always look at the dark side?

And if people can't handle that I'm taking charge of my own life then they should really just f*ck off and live their own life instead of dabbling in mine.

#sickofthehaters 

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Yea it always scares me how I seem to get so deep and into it when I just wanted to do a short post. HAHA its ok everyone I'm ok I am not throwing chairs and punches. I just wanted to clarify all this....

IDK ILL SEE U GUYS THEN!

Signing off...

CLL