Hey everyone! I know I haven't done a proper blog post in a while. I have been very busy especially with the upcoming exams and I haven't been my best recently. I know it's no excuse but I just wanted to get a teeny little blog post in today. I just want to chat and tell you about my productive evening today haha!

It is rare to have free time at this time of the school term(CAs), but when I do, I really like to do things that make me happy. I had some homework to do today and I felt really productive so after grabbing a mocha from the vending machine I very spontaneously decided to study beside the pool. I usually(pretty much always) study inside the house and I always find myself getting distracted and feeling bored as heck really quickly.

So today I just sat down, busted out my practice papers and worksheets, did my drama reflection for today's DEP session and ended up staying there for 2 hours. I finished two English comprehensions, my drama reflection and two cans of Nescafe mocha. Not bad eh?

It was really refreshing. Instead of being surrounded by walls all the time, might as well go out and enjoy the evening breeze. It was a really nice change and I felt really good after getting so much done. So yea, just go outside once in a while, when the weather is good and the wind blows through your hair. Nothing puts me in a better mood than being outside.

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A bit of an abrupt change of subject but whatever hehe. Anyways, I got an ask on askfm the other day saying that I've changed and that I was nicer last time and everything. And I really just didn't really know how to answer because it was really vague and when I asked the person to elaborate, well... he/she didn't. LOL. She just said and I quote "idk now you're more ...........?" 

Uhhh what?

I was just really confused so I just told her(i say her because I'm about 99.9% sure the person is female) that I don't know what she expects me to do or say because I can't really do anything with an 'elaboration' like that. However, it has been on my mind a lot and I wanted to address it on my blog.

Firstly, I do kind of get what this person means. Yes, I do realise that I have changed. I don't really know what happened. It happened quite fast. I'm quieter, more anti-social as some people would call it. Honestly, I don't know whether it's just the exams or just that I haven't been in the best state of mind recently. And yes, I have realised I'm not as chirpy and 'hahahahah' now.

But the thing is, there are times when people just get sh*t in their life. People can't be happy and can't laugh at your jokes or entertain you all the time. And it really just tires me out just by thinking about it that just because I've been really chirpy and happy the past year and a half, people expect me to be like that all the time. Yes, I am human. I get angry and I get upset and sometimes I don't laugh because I really just don't feel like it. I look down or I smile politely and I seem like I'm not interested and as if I'm mad at you but I'm really not. I may have had these moments last year but last year idk maybe I had more energy to mask it. And just because I don't feel as well as I did and I'm not as happy as a person as I was a year ago... that means I'm not any nicer of a person? That means that I'm a bad person now? 

Next, I have indeed been pushing people away. 

I do this sometimes unconsciously. And sometimes I do it for several reasons. Number one, they are toxic relationships. I have always been the type of person to try to be friends with everyone. There's nothing wrong with that. But sometimes I cling on to people who are just not good for me. And I try to make the friendship work but it just doesn't because they are not fully invested in the friendship. I end up being Plan B. I end up getting insecure about everything and anything that happens. And that's not how I want to live my life. I want friends who truly care for me and truly want to be around me. And I can't express how much I notice and appreciate it when someone wants to go to class with me, wants to sit next to me, asks me if I want to go down for lunch and not ask me that only when her best friend is not at school or whatever. And no I don't mean that I want people to do that all the time and I don't mean to sound self-centered. Also, I push people away because I know I can't be that person for them as well. I've spent too long trying to please everyone. And now I know that there is nothing wrong from spending your time with people who deserve it.

Secondly, I know they are going to leave anyways. It's kind of the same thing. Not really invested in friendship, they leave. And I get scared. And I'd rather just push them away. I'm at fault I know, but I can't help it. 

I don't push people away because I hate anyone. I drift away because I'd rather be around true friends that I know will stay.

Lastly, maybe I seem like I've changed to being "not as nice" because I stopped behaving the way people want me to. This is the life that I live and I've spent far far too long trying to cater to everyones likes and dislikes. But you know what. I am going to do what I want because I believe that I am not a bad person and I respect whoever that respects me. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm not being arrogant. I'm being confident. I'm standing up for myself.  People nowadays shut confidence down because just the slightest bit of happiness about something they achieve is perceived as arrogance. And in turn, those people think that all they can do their whole life is talk about how they failed. And then people ask why we always look at the dark side?

And if people can't handle that I'm taking charge of my own life then they should really just f*ck off and live their own life instead of dabbling in mine.

#sickofthehaters 

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Yea it always scares me how I seem to get so deep and into it when I just wanted to do a short post. HAHA its ok everyone I'm ok I am not throwing chairs and punches. I just wanted to clarify all this....

IDK ILL SEE U GUYS THEN!

Signing off...

CLL

10 Things I Hate

Heyyyyyyyy sooooo I'm here with another youtube vid idk whether u guys like em or anything but yea here are 10 things that I hate. Don't worry I don't hate life I just hate certain things that happen in life haha! yea enjoy!

WATCH IN HD!

Signing off...

CLL

THE 1975 CONCERT 2014

Hi hi!!!!

It has officially been 4 days since I went to see The 1975 perform live. And right after the concert, I knew that I had to blog ALL about it. However, the past few days have been so hectic and tiring I couldn't find time at all to blog but here I am now... (:

Anyways, it was 22nd July, a Tuesday and a lot of my friends didn't go to school so that they could queue earlier and everything. I couldn't do that but I did meet them after school. It was my first ever free-standing concert and well, my first official concert if you don't count High-5. So yes, we waited for about 6 hours in the heat and the humidity was insane. The line was really long but luckily we weren't so far back. 

Finally, they let us in and it was so crazy. We ran in and got a place quite close to the stage and oh my god the place filled up so quick and soon enough I could literally feel my sweat on my thighs and face. It was not well ventilated and I could feel the hot breaths of other people. Each gust of wind felt so good. We stood in there for about an hour before it actually started and the band came on stage.

OMG its so dream-like now. But I absolutely loved it and I danced and jumped and head-banged so much. It was really claustrophobic and sometimes I felt really sick. The lights were also dizzying. But I was just having so much fun listening and enjoying the music they made. Matty is so cute and I love him ugh. They sounded just as good or even better live.

Made new friends which was so fun they were lovely!!!

After it ended, I just wanted water SO BAD. I could already feel the pain in my legs and everyone looked like they just walked out of a shower. 

I am like 10 times more obsessed with The 1975 now and it's just jdakbfwbebrfebjk.

I can't believe it's over.
POST CONCERT DEPRESSION :(((

Anyways, to end off I want to thank all these really amazing people that spent the time with me (: Brinda, Naila, Jaydra, Mariah, Leah, Desiree, Serena, and all da new friends (:

Thanks for reading ((:

MUCH LOVE

Signing off...

CLL

"You're so fat"

I've been avoiding this topic on my blog a lot.

I've written many drafts about this but I end up deleting them.

This is not going to be like my normal blog posts. But I thought by posting this, people out there with the same insecurities could be comforted by the fact that they are not alone. And my blog readers who don't really know me in real life and only through my blog, would know that yes, I am a real person and yes, I have a looott of things that I am insecure about just like any other person.

Well, that is if I actually do post this thing.

Anyways, it has been getting to me a lot. The whole issue with how I look, my weight etcetera. Basically, I am deemed 'overweight' by my school system. I am labelled 'big size' and yes, 'fat'. I can't remember a single time in my life that I felt good about how I looked. I feel my belly fat sticking out and it kinda just feels like a punch in the face. I don't really know how to describe it, but it feels like I am more humiliated with myself more than anything. 

I would say it is my biggest issue. The thing that gets me down the most out of everything. And as much as people tell me and I tell myself that looks are not everything, that everyone will have their insecurities. It doesn't make me feel any better. Y'know when you give advice but as hard as you try you don't follow it? Yup.

I started to take more notice on my body image about a year ago. June 2013 was when I really really wanted to do something about it. I worked out, did Pilates, went real healthy. It was a very big leap. I researched and watched videos and read articles about weight loss and sh*t like that. I still do actually. I went hardcore for about 3 weeks or so lol. And I just kinda lost motivation again. I still kept with some good habits, and I was straying off from junk food but I was still unmotivated and I gained more weight, especially from when I went to Melbourne for vaca.

About October 2013 was the first time the 'overweight' box was ticked in my school report book. And it kinda really crushed me. I was more insecure than ever. And even now, weight and looks have become really sensitive topics to me. I get down a lot because of it. When I think about it for too long sometimes, I'll just have this feeling where idk I try to get the thoughts out of my head by squeezing my eyes shut like really tight but it never goes away and its like that 'ugh adsidhfjbhabflqbwfbljb' feeling.

And it sucks so much and I keep telling myself to stop thinking of myself this way but it's really hard. 

Sometimes I get really desperate and think about fad diets and not eating at all. Sometimes the insecurities get too much and squeezing eyes shut doesn't work and I think about hurting myself.

They are quite destructive you know... Thoughts and insecurities... and words and everything.

Yea...

Thanks for reading this really pointless thingy majiggy...

Bye!

Signing off...

CLL

June Haul!

HIYAAAA!!!

Did a bit of shopping in June so heres a lil haul video.

Thanks for those who requested.

It took a sh*t load of gutts to put this on here xD

Either way, ENJOY!

June Haul || akaCLL

Signing off...

CLL