Bullying

Hey! (:

Ahh I'm so glad that I am blogging because omg I have not had the time at all for the past few days. 

So today I'm going to be writing about 'Bullying'. 

It's not going to be as informative and will not include step-by-step ways to stop bullying because honestly, bullying is in so many shapes and forms and as long as people have the ability to have their own opinions on things, this problem will never ever stop. Even I haven't fully figured out how to deal with bullying yet. Hence, I will be sharing about my experience will bullying and my thoughts on it. 

As compared to many people out there, my bullying story seems almost trivial and childish. But I also must remind myself to understand that nothing is a small matter if it causes someone pain. Never ever tell someone to stop crying or 'stop being ungrateful' because there are people out there starving or anything like that. Telling someone that is equivalent to telling someone not to laugh because someone out there has it better. 

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I have had to deal with bullying since I was very young. It came in many ways and forms.

I wasn't bullied very much from playgroup to kindergarten. I was just teased and mocked at sometimes. And at the time, the worst feeling was to sacrifice my glitter pens to stop them from laughing at me. It wasn't much, but the teasing did make a dent in my self esteem. 

I continued on to primary school. Primary one and two wasn't so bad. I was so awfully quiet that people could rarely say anything about me. However, primary three and four were some of the worst for me. I had my first serious encounter with bullying. And it was also the age where I started becoming aware of things. I started becoming more aware of the problems in my life. My life wasn't all rainbows and butterflies anymore haha. 

She was from a rich family. A mother with a really good job and a dad with a really high status as well. She was tall and thin. She was the best swimmer in the entire school. People who knew me since Primary school would know exactly who I'm talking about at this point. It's pretty clear haha! 

So I didn't even know this girl existed until I was transferred into a new class in primary three. Everyone was just trying to get to know each other. I don't exactly remember how our first encounter went, but I remember feeling the bad vibes she was radiating within the first 10 seconds of meeting her. She disliked me from the start. She didn't know me and I didn't know her and it confused me as to how she could already feel this way about me. She had her own clique of friends in no time. All of them were popular and cool haha. And they didn't hesitate to do anything she wanted them to do. She managed to make them hate me. They teased me so much and it was so horrible. When they were nice to me, it would be obvious that they were faking it. Their words were carefully laced with sarcasm and hate. So I couldn't possibly confront or talk to anybody, because all they saw and heard was them being nice. They were the popular kids after all. Everyone wanted to be on their good side. 

I took salvation in these two girls in class. Who were also victims of the same clique of girls. Apparently, this made them hate me all the more. The teasing was worse and I really don't know how much worse it could get. I became friends with one of the girls in the clique. I was so happy because I thought I was being accepted. Finally. But nope. I was so bloody naive and stupid because she didn't want to be my friend. She was just bored and wanted someone to play with. I went to her house often and yea we'd play but whenever it came to catching, she ran too fast for me to ever get a chance to BE chased and she always made me disadvantaged. And when we got back to school, she pretended like she didn't know me.

For the sake of fitting in, again my naive mind, I tried to do everything for the girl that hated me so much. This included giving her money everyday. It was such a constant thing that she just needed to put out her hand and I'd give it to her. I bought her lunch for her and I put back her plates. I did all her 'errands' for her and sometimes took the blame for her. I didn't have time to eat. Not like I wanted to eat at all. And I gave her probably 50 bucks in total in the span of those two years.

The constant manipulation. The lies and the guessing games. The hope and the disappointments that seemed to make up everyday of my life at that point. It was like my insides were crumbling down and I was empty. I dreaded every single day that I had to go to school. I was pretty much dead if you asked me haha.

I shared a room with my mom. And I remember that whenever she came home from work, she'd spend about a whole hour in the bathroom while I fell asleep. I made use of that time haha. I cried and cried and cried. The amount of tears that escaped my eyes kinda scared me sometimes. I cried in silence and I cried into my bolster. It was every night. And this still shocks me, even today. I was so depressed that I literally fell sick and couldn't go to school for a week.

I didn't tell anyone for a really long time. And when I did... Well, that didn't really help much at all.

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That was my main story. But bullying never really stopped there for me. 

All the bullying, they piled on to each other. Each incident had it's own consequence and it had its toll on me. To this day, I can get put down by a single glance and by a single gesture and by a single word. I overthink every single thing you say and do even if it may seem like nothing to you at all. I run through everything that I may have done that might make you hate me. 

A year ago, I thought that I was so useless. I never thought I could accomplish anything in my life. Even now, I underestimate my ability to do many things.

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You may think that a word or look of yours is nothing. But think again. Because you have no idea how much power you have. You have no idea how much power words have.  I'm not here, telling my story because I want attention or I want people to treat me differently because thats exactly what I do NOT want. I am here because I want everyone reading this to think about all the people that you may have hurt. It maybe a little tease that may mean nothing to you at all but it might have the ability to send someone's world crashing down. Think about it. Are you really that happy with putting someone else down so that you can feel better about yourself? Well, earth to you because it's time you realise that you're not getting any higher. You're staying in the same place you have always been. It doesn't make you any better than anyone else. 

I forgive but I don't forget. You can say that I hold grudges and anything of that sort.
But I do remember when I walked past your table and waved hi but everyone stared at me blankly like I was some weirdo and looked away but then you realise that I'm friends with popular(and nice) people and all of a sudden I'm worth your time. Oh yea, I hear you mocking me then saying 'just kidding'. I know when you just walked past my table and rolled your eyes at me because hello? There are people around me that can see you. I do know when you don't like me. I just pretend I don't notice because I have now realised that it's not worth my time trying to live up to your expectations.

I'm not the same girl I was 4 years ago. I know my worth and what defines me. Of course, words hurt and words get me down but I get over it. I look at things in a different perspective.

And I'm not afraid of anyone anymore.

Before I end this incredibly long post about bullying,

Here's to the bullied:

You are going to be okay. No matter what they say or what they do. Don't ever give up on yourself and continue doing what makes you happy. It hurts like a bitch, I would know haha but just hang on. These people that treat you this way, that give you this sort of pain, there are temporary. They are an obstacle that was strategically placed in your life to test you. And when you get over this obstacle, they won't hurt you anymore. Just think about it this way, 'LOL they aren't even going to be in my life in the next 5 years why do I care what they think of me.' I know that's damn weird but it works for me :) I'm not saying I totally understand everything that you go through but I understand what it feels like to be broken. And its ok. It's going to be ok. Cry your heart out and write a million letters that you'll never send out. Write about why you're angry or why you're sad and what you are thinking about. Write rants all you want for heaven sakes haha! But a piece of advice I have for all the bullied, don't ever stoop down to the same level of the ones that buried you under them. Yes, of course, stand up for yourself and tell them to stop treating you this way because your sick of it. But don't ever be them. Don't ever hurt someone because you're hurt and angry. Take it in stride. Make a difference. Be kind and smile and laugh and make someone happy because you know how it feels like to be the opposite. Be wise and give good advice because you've experienced some of the worst. And don't tell yourself that you can't laugh or smile at something that genuinely makes you laugh or smile (pfft because life's too short ;)

Thank you guys for reading!
I'll catch you in my next one ^_~

Much Love,
Signing off...
CLL