Hey. I'm back.
So I just have a lot of things in my head and I thought I'd type em' out to save my brain a little. But as you guys have probably noticed from my previous posts, I am not the best when it comes to organising my thoughts so just brace yourself for one sh*t load of confusing-ness.
I have realised that I get threatened by people really easily. I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one but once I realise that someone is so amazing and awesome and just the definition of perfect, I get really threatened by it. Yea, just call me a bitch right here right now but I'm quite sure it happens to all of us girls out there. Some just can control it very well and don't talk about it, therefore not allowing the world to see that this is actually what goes on in their heads.
So yes boys, girl's minds are scary and confusing.
Hence, when I get threatened by someone, I tend to change a little. For some, I steer clear, for some I just 'change'. As in, I probably won't be my normal crazy self and I'll just try to be 'cooler'. Pfft lame I know but hi, its nice to meet you, I'm Li Ling and I'm lame.
So there will be people I kinda dislike and people that I'm threatened by. Those are the 2 main types of people that this blog post applies to. However, whatever I mention next, is also about people I love and care about.
Sometimes when I'm alone, I tend to think... A LOT.
Something that I find myself thinking about more and more nowadays is about whether others/the people I know are hurting.
I mean, whether they cried yesterday or whether they are thinking lowly of themselves or whether their family is okay and whether they are happy or sad or lonely. It's scary to think that someone I am friends with/acquaintances with or even just know somehow, can be feeling pain or agony or loneliness or sadness, and I'm just so completely oblivious about it.
It's scary that someone is so close to tears or so close to breaking down but I have no freaking idea about it. That I don't even acknowledge or take notice of such pain. That someone I actually know and actually am friends with can be so close to giving up but I'm just here talking about my new favourite TV show.
And that I don't have the knowledge of it to do anything.
No no. It's not "scary".
It's terrifying.
'Everyone is fighting their own battle.' A quote I've always believed in and been aware of.
What if that girl I've always kinda disliked is going through a tough time in her life. Maybe going through something that I have gone through before. Going through something that brings so much hurt and sadness. What type of person would I be if I still thought so badly of her. That I still give her the cold shoulder. That I give her that one more thing to add to the list of 'The things that make my life miserable' That I could be that one person that gives someone another reason to end his or her life. Or to start self-harming or start losing hope.
I've written another post where I've discussed how I thought that the fact that there are consequences in everything we do in life, is so hard to handle. This is a very good example- something we say or do to someone else can hold so much weight and consequence to that someone else. Just a simple comment to criticise or make-fun of someone's outfit can totally tear them down. A simple judgemental stare can make that person be self-conscious the whole day. Maybe even the whole of their life.
What if someone that I hate so much can actually be someone that understands me more than anyone else can because he/she is going through the exact same thing. What if he/she could be that person that comforts me and is there for me only if both of us open up about what we have and are experiencing. What if someone is going through something that I have survived but they are hurting so bad and just having such a hard time. Or maybe the other way round. I could do so much to help. I could say so much to perhaps make it easier for them.
But we never open up. We never tell them that we cry every night. We rarely tell them why we have scars on our wrists. We rarely tell them that we feel like giving up.
I'm not going to even start trying to comprehend the reasons why we are this way. It's too hard a question and too confusing a subject.
But I guess a takeaway from all this over-thinking and reflecting is that, when/if someone actually does open up to me about something, I'll understand enough to be grateful that someone had the courage and the faith in me to reveal their scars.
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Signing off...
CLL
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