Thoughts || 31/01/14

How we live our life is determined by how we decide to take charge of it. And how we steer the wheel towards the best and fullest life we can have. However, there will be those times when you allow things to penetrate your thoughts, self-esteem and goals. 

The constant reminder that 'You're not good enough.' or 'you can't do it.' People have their opinions. And I've learnt that we can't change that. We don't have to prove ourselves just to impress them. We don't have to change ourselves so that their impression on us is different. Maybe they can tell you that, perhaps, something needs to change. Whether it is your personality, the way you act or the people you hang around. Your personality is what makes you. It's the way you speak and act that portrays your personality. So I can act as someone completely different from who I really am. And it may be a choice or it may just be peer-pressure. And only yourself will know why you made this choice and only yourself will know truly, whether you are changing due to someone else. 

So if this is really who I am, because I know it is, nobody can convince me to believe I'm the opposite. Because they can't define who I am. My values, choices, accomplishments and goals are the things that define me. I'm not something that someone else can mold into something other than myself. 

I am not fat. I have fat. I'm strong and I'm healthy.

I am not fake or a wannabe. I'm me. You just didn't know 'me'. And I don't want to be something that is not me.

I'm not a loner. I like space. I don't feel the need to be surrounded by people all the time. Let alone people I'm not close to or can't trust. 

Of course, I have made and may be still making mistakes in my life. But now is the time to make them, isn't it? 

Because a day or week or month or even 10 years from now, I will learn that I don't need people to tell me what I am and what I'm not. I'm not a product. I'm not something you can change according to your liking. If anyone has a problem with me and how I live my life, I would rather they not be in my life at all. Because I don't need them. I don't need the thoughts of other people dominating my head. I don't need them telling me how to live the life that is mine to live. 

I will exercise if I want and when I want.

I will eat the things I want and when I want.

I will do the things that I want to do.

You can be 'worried' that I'm not doing the 'right thing'. You can tell me that 'No, Li Ling, this is not you.' But hey. I am the only one who knows when I'm happy and what I'm happy about. You can't tell me that I am not happy because I am not being me. I'm still figuring out who I am. What in the world makes you think that you know more about me than I do myself?

You can't tell me 'no, thats not what you're doing' and 'no, you are just...'. You don't have the right to tell me that because I know the facts and I know exactly what I do. You are in no position to tell me what is and what is not.

The only reason that I doubt myself of my happiness and self-worth is when you mention it to me and make me over-think it. When people keep drilling BS in my head. I don't need that. And I don't want that anymore. I want to be firm and sure about the people & things that I love and make me happy. I won't doubt them anymore. It'll be unfair to them if I did.

I will find the people that deserve to be in my life. The people that will be there for me no matter what. And while doing that, I'll be ten times stronger than those who tried to bury me under their feet. Their words wouldn't be able to hurt me anymore.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best."

-Marilyn Monroe

Thanks for reading!

Signing off...

CLL

Rest & Relax

As students,

Life can get pretty tough when we have deadlines to meet and work to hand in. With school, tuition, extra classes and CCA. Maybe you have dance lessons or have to practice piano, or need to train for an upcoming swim meet. Constantly needing to keep up with expectations and worry about insecurities. These are just a few things that we need to deal with as students right now.

However, you need to keep in mind that although 'studies' are really important especially in our society and to our parents as well as ourselves, the actual most important thing is you and your health.

Running around, doing this and that, here and there, every day is going to take a toll on you. Maybe you are fine now, but sooner or later you're going to get exhausted. Especially if you're not catching up on sufficient rest and me-time. Overworking yourself can lead to many undesirable consequences. A lot of students/teenagers suffer with fatigue every day and struggle to stay awake during lessons. Some become awfully quiet and anti-social because they just really can't deal with anyone when they are so exhausted and when all they want is sleep. In major cases, they fall into depression or fall sick easily due to not taking care of themselves well. 

So I have put together a list of things you can do to de-stress and just relax from all the mayhem.

1) Exercise. 

This is a really great way to let off steam when you are feeling too stressed or upset over something. It can just be a short 10 minute run or swim but you need to truly allow your mind to relax. Convert all the negative energy and thoughts into energy to exercise. Make it motivation or a pushing force to finish those 5 laps. At the same time, do not push yourself over the limits. Only you will know when you need a break. Pushing yourself too hard will overwork your physical body as well as emotional state so just relax and go at your own pace. 

2) Yoga/Pilates/Stretching/Meditation

For me, stretching can really help loosen up those muscles and get rid of those knots in my back and neck. It doesn't take much time either so you can spend about 5 minutes every morning and/or every night for a short stretching session. If you have more time, search youtube or google for some yoga poses that you can do to train your stability, balance, strength and flexibility. You can even go for classes every weekend if its something that really works for you. You may want to try meditation as well to relax your mind.

3) Hobbies/Likes

A great way to take a break is by doing what you enjoy doing. Whether it is reading, writing, drawing, playing musical instruments, singing, dancing or playing sports. Go to the library on your way home from school and borrow a good book- AND READ IT! Go ahead and try writing a poem or give yourself a topic to write about or even start a blog for your thoughts and feelings. Go and learn a new song on your musical instrument. Have a mini dance session by yourself. Go shoot a few hoops during your free time. If you like fashion and shopping, go window shop! I absolutely love making collages and designing things to shut all the unnecessary noise out. To clear my mind of worry and stress. 

4) Listen to music

Everyone loves music. It's just what genre of music you like the most. Music can be such an escape and just closing your eyes and listening to some of your favourite songs can really brighten up your darkest times. 

5) Go for a walk

Get yourself off the bed and out of your house. A daily dose of fresh air and nature might be all you need to calm down. Take a walk around, perhaps with your hands clasped behind your back. Its a naturally relaxing position.

6) Spa-day

This might just be a personal preference but I love those days where I take a long, hot shower and having a spa-day or if we have limited time, a spa-night. 

My spa-night routine is simply washing my face first. Then putting on a mask. I'll let it sit for 10 minutes before taking it off. You can stop here and go straight to moisturise but if you have more time and enjoy doing this, perhaps dab some olive oil on your face and start massaging it. The olive oil will tighten your skin and give you a nice, polished face. After that, just wash it off and use somer toner on your face. It will balance out your complexion especially after stripping your face of its natural oils. After which, just use a moisturiser and you're done! It will take you maybe 30 minutes at most. 

7) Time with friends & family

Spending quality time with your loved ones can boost your mood a lot. Simply spending some time with your friends during recess and sharing some jokes can also re-set you and get you energised for class again. 

Also, basic things you have to do to properly take care of yourself is to never, ever deprive yourself of sleep. 8 hours a day, 7 hours at least!!! Also, eat right and drink your water. Falling sick sucks so you gotta keep that immune system strong. Eat your fruits & veggies and don't skip meals! Do not snack on junk food either.

So yup! That's it for this blogpost of letting go and relaxing a little. Remember, know the limits and act accordingly. Take care of yourselves lovelies!

Signing off...
CLL

Dialogue In The Dark

Hello!

Whee I'm back haha! I know its been a while :/ Sorry, It's just been really busy in school work and everything. 

But in today's post, I wanted to tell you guys about our Learning Journey to Ngee Ann Polytechnic for an activity called 'Dialogue In the Dark'.

This is definitely something to remember and you will know why in this blogpost.

I never thought much of this activity when we were told about it. Well, we weren't told much about it from my teachers. They just told us the name of the activity and thats it. They sure as hell did not tell us that we would be in total darkness for a whole hour with nothing but a walking cane and a tour guide named Jason.

I had an idea about what it was about. There was an activity during my P5 camp that had the same concept. We were blindfolded and were assigned an animal call. We had to find people that were the same 'animal' and drag them around until the whistle was blown.

Of course there wasn't any dragging or animal calls in this activity but we were very much blind.

We started off with getting into groups of 8- Brinda, Karisha, Lisa, Yvette, Wynnifred, Lauren, Kyra and me. Then, they led us to this 'prep room' where they gave us the walking cane and told us to take off our glasses. After which, they led us into the room where it was clear that this was no joke.

The light slowly faded away along with our vision. It was pitch black and literally(I'm not even exaggerating it), we could see nothing at all. 

Let's just say I was freaking out because you know even though I have been kinda through the same thing before, it was a blindfold. Your sub-conscious mind will be all 'its okay you can just take the blindfold off and you'll be fine.' but noooo this time, no matter how hard you strain your eyes to try to see, all you 'see' in black nothingness. 

We were then introduced to our tour guide, Jason. I think all of us was curious as to how they are able to see us or direct us in the dark so Brinda just asked whether he was able to see us. Turns out, he's blind. I think there was a little change in atmosphere when he told us that he was visually impaired. But I think we just got back to being scared of the dark again.

I am so paranoid of whats in the dark and I just can't stand not having light. I even have to have my night light on when I go to sleep. I wasn't dealing very well with the whole blindness thing at first. I was having difficulty breathing and I just felt so enclosed and I was just grasping on to Brinda for my dear life because I was so afraid I was going to get lost somewhere in that dark room and no one would be able to find me. I started crying actually but I told myself to get my shit together so I did. Yay me xD

We were all against the wall, so afraid to venture into the darkness with no turning back. But Jason told us to leave the wall and walk towards his voice. I hesitated but went ahead anyways. I decided to put some faith into the organisers that made this activity and into Jason and my friends. They wouldn't include anything in the course that would potentially hurt us. So, I went ahead and let fate take charge haha.

I remember we were first on carpet flooring. Then, there was gravel under our feet. On our left we realised were real plants after feeling them and plucking their leaves. Poor plants. The wall felt like it was made out of those bamboo boards. We continued walking, occasionally bumping into each other and getting entangled in each other's legs and walking canes. 

Jason told us that there was a bridge upfront. And when we stepped on it, I could literally imagine what it looked like. At some points, I thought there was light and I could see again. But we were all screaming and screaming because I never ever liked those rocky bridges that moved along with the shivering of your feet. Thank god it wasn't too long off a bridge. We had some difficulty finding the bench Jason told us to sit on. I don't even know what we were sitting on before. 

We continued walking and clinging on to the wall and grabbing anything we could find to guide the way. The thought and feeling of being alone in there was terrifying so I always had to touch the shoulder or arm of the person in front of me. I had to know she was there to continue. 

The list of the bazaar things we did in the dark continued. We took a 'boat' and learnt how to know which direction we were going from the wind. We even felt bicycles and cars and guessed the car's colour. It was yellow by the way. I also pressed the traffic light button and we crossed the road together. 

The highlight of the whole activity was when we bought food from the cafe. Yes, no joke, we were still in complete darkness. The lady at the counter introduced herself as the 'cafe guy' which I found very amusing. And then she went through the menu by saying it out to us. I couldn't remember half of the drinks she mentioned but I ordered an ice cream anyways. I knew I only had $2 notes in my pocket so I pulled one out and handed it to her. She then confirmed that it was the right amount and thanked me.

We located the couch and all of us sat together in front of a small rectangular coffee table which I imagined to be white and from IKEA. I was fumbling around with the ice cream and had no idea how to open it so I just asked Kyra to give me a hand. The ice cream was delish. 

While we were eating, Jason placed a small bin on the table for us as I heard him tell us. He asked us whether we had any questions for him. I had way too many.

I learnt that Jason has been blind since 2006 due to a medical condition. He said he was scared and confused with being blind at first but got used to it. He got around by memory and just lived by trial and error. He was not married and had no kids. He's turning 35. The lady aka the 'cafe guy' was also visually impaired so she had skills we didn't to know the exact amount of money we were handing her. There were a total 15 visually impaired people working for the Dialogue in the Dark activity. There are a total of 4000 registered visually impaired people in Singapore alone. We asked him how he knew what time of the day it was and he told us about a special watch he had where he could feel the direction the needles were pointing. He promised to let us see it when we got out.

Soon, we were following the left wall again. Slowly yet surely, the light from the outside shone through and we could see again. Never had I been so happy and grateful to be able to see. Everything seemed more beautiful than it used to.

It felt like I had just awoken after a very very long nap. However, the realisation of the fact that there's no such thing as escaping from this darkness for many people in this world, hit me not long after I was so dang glad to be out of there.

So yes, another thing to add to the list of 'the things I'm grateful for'. And I couldn't be more thankful to have gotten this opportunity to truly see what it was like to be blind.

As for seeing Jason, we actually never did and probably never will. What's left of him is his reassuring voice and imagination of what he looks like.

If you guys ever get the opportunity to go for any activity like this one, please do go. And if you do go and in the middle of it you get afraid and feel like giving up like I did, don't. Push through because    you will get to see the light again. And I definitely would've regretted it if I had decided to opt out for it like I had wanted in the beginning.

So yeup, that is it for this blogpost :))
Thanks for reading! TTYL!

Signing off...
CLL

Thoughts || 11/01/14

Hey. I'm back.

So I just have a lot of things in my head and I thought I'd type em' out to save my brain a little. But as you guys have probably noticed from my previous posts, I am not the best when it comes to organising my thoughts so just brace yourself for one sh*t load of confusing-ness.

I have realised that I get threatened by people really easily. I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one but once I realise that someone is so amazing and awesome and just the definition of perfect, I get really threatened by it. Yea, just call me a bitch right here right now but I'm quite sure it happens to all of us girls out there. Some just can control it very well and don't talk about it, therefore not allowing the world to see that this is actually what goes on in their heads.

So yes boys, girl's minds are scary and confusing.

Hence, when I get threatened by someone, I tend to change a little. For some, I steer clear, for some I just 'change'. As in, I probably won't be my normal crazy self and I'll just try to be 'cooler'. Pfft lame I know but hi, its nice to meet you, I'm Li Ling and I'm lame.

So there will be people I kinda dislike and people that I'm threatened by. Those are the 2 main types of people that this blog post applies to. However, whatever I mention next, is also about people I love and care about.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I tend to think... A LOT. 

Something that I find myself thinking about more and more nowadays is about whether others/the people I know are hurting. 

I mean, whether they cried yesterday or whether they are thinking lowly of themselves or whether their family is okay and whether they are happy or sad or lonely. It's scary to think that someone I am friends with/acquaintances with or even just know somehow, can be feeling pain or agony or loneliness or sadness, and I'm just so completely oblivious about it.

It's scary that someone is so close to tears or so close to breaking down but I have no freaking idea about it. That I don't even acknowledge or take notice of such pain. That someone I actually know and actually am friends with can be so close to giving up but I'm just here talking about my new favourite TV show.

And that I don't have the knowledge of it to do anything.

No no. It's not "scary".

It's terrifying.

'Everyone is fighting their own battle.' A quote I've always believed in and been aware of. 

What if that girl I've always kinda disliked is going through a tough time in her life. Maybe going through something that I have gone through before. Going through something that brings so much hurt and sadness. What type of person would I be if I still thought so badly of her. That I still give her the cold shoulder. That I give her that one more thing to add to the list of 'The things that make my life miserable' That I could be that one person that gives someone another reason to end his or her life. Or to start self-harming or start losing hope. 

I've written another post where I've discussed how I thought that the fact that there are consequences in everything we do in life, is so hard to handle. This is a very good example- something we say or do to someone else can hold so much weight and consequence to that someone else. Just a simple comment to criticise or make-fun of someone's outfit can totally tear them down. A simple judgemental stare can make that person be self-conscious the whole day. Maybe even the whole of their life. 

What if someone that I hate so much can actually be someone that understands me more than anyone else can because he/she is going through the exact same thing. What if he/she could be that person that comforts me and is there for me only if both of us open up about what we have and are experiencing. What if someone is going through something that I have survived but they are hurting so bad and just having such a hard time. Or maybe the other way round. I could do so much to help. I could say so much to perhaps make it easier for them.

But we never open up. We never tell them that we cry every night. We rarely tell them why we have scars on our wrists. We rarely tell them that we feel like giving up.

I'm not going to even start trying to comprehend the reasons why we are this way. It's too hard a question and too confusing a subject. 

But I guess a takeaway from all this over-thinking and reflecting is that, when/if someone actually does open up to me about something, I'll understand enough to be grateful that someone had the courage and the faith in me to reveal their scars.

-

Signing off...

CLL

Just'a chit-chat!

Hey! What's up?

Caught the flu few days ago and have been feeling pretty wrecked lately but I'm better now. I was just sipping on some apple juice until I decided to sit and have a chat with you guys, virtually :)

Oh! I haven't officially wished you guys a Happy New Year, have I? 

Well, Happy New Year, you beauties ^_~

Speaking of the new year, school has most definitely started and it's all coming right at us with full force. I have only been to school for one day because I missed Day 2 but all the lessons have already started and all the talks and pressure about Sec 2 streaming is already here. 

We all know that this is going to be one stressful year so we are just waiting for the worst to come. Trust me, its a wait where no one is excited.

But I guess, its the time to bust out those brains and start getting down to work. Whether we like it or not, there are 4 exams we have to take this year and the expectations are sky-high. 

Pfft, talk about pressure.

Guess we'll just have to work our ass off and see how far that'll take us.

-

Along with the New Year comes New Year's resolutions.

My mom has always been one to make goals and resolutions at the start of every year and I have followed through on this little 'tradition'.

I wrote them all down on 2 pieces of paper all together and as usual, made it look like a rainbow barfed on it. It's a great way for me to reflect and look back on the things I have done and could've done better. I will probably make a post on that in the future. :))

So yea I think thats it for this post. I know it's a super abrupt ending but who cares xD

Thanks for reading!

LOVE YA!

Signing off..

CLL