up and out

 Dear you,

it's 4:36am and I have slept for about 3.5 hours. But my mind flips and tosses over so many thoughts. I suppose it might be because of the sheer amount of stimuli I received yesterday - a whole afternoon of dance camp (1.5h of Jazzfunk and Dancehall, back to back), and a wonderful night with my tusduh mates in our Halloween makeup. I think about Dawn; I recently got to eating a spontaneous lunch with her (Sodexo's Halloween Lunch - nubbad but my burger was cold :')) and was so taken by her. I'd never properly spoken to her before but we'd always known of each other's existence. I think once last year I complimented her shirt and we are in the same Intro to the Philosophy of Art class. During lunch, she spoke about a bar that she liked, about trusting time and your growth along with it such that you will naturally move on from things that cease to be useful or have meaning from your life. It was nice. The kind of open-hearted release of thoughts you know have been brooded upon and been in marination. That kind of introspection. I'd like to get to know her more! In some ways I'd like emulate her too! Idk. She's a really good dancer, and I saw her help take videos and photos for dance camp. And there was that sort of you could say transcendent movement (in the Existentialist sense) that she exhibited which spurs the same aspiration in me. 

Yes - that's it - that transcendent movement. An aspiration that I suppose I've always had, and which has been encouraged by my environment. Qiutong working on her resin cast of faces (ok many of Ivan's face), Sunwoo drawing almost everyday and creating a website to sell his art and learning how to stick-and-poke. Düny's forward-thinking, her looking at houses and comparing prices, looking at semester abroad opportunities and considering her options. Sofie's becoming a vocal coach, literally counting the number of roles she could audition for as a queer female, confronting her lecturer about typecasting. Tammie's achieving the Dean's list! Ivan and Lea applying for the NUS Museum Internship...

All these things. And I realise I seek less for the achievements than that general hope to surpass myself, and also just to have a 'firmer grasp on things'. I don't know how to best explain it, but I do realise that many things I do simply to pass the motions, to get it done. But I'd like start to in some ways do it 'right', to consider the art and science behind each thing more. Whether it's the way I chop vegetables and cut a melon, the way I make coffee (I want to make better coffee for myself), the way I approach what happens in school and what I learn, knowing the names and how best to care for my plant babies. I want to be able to answer people more confidently, to be more sure that I have processed and considered these things before, and to put across my views on them with assurance of their validity. There's definitely been progress in that since the last year, and my conversations with friends have been proof of that. But the hope to continue still stands.

I have also been thinking about my past few weeks as being some of immanence (deviating from the full definition in Existentialism but similar concept). They have been necessary and part of my process of healing. But I think there's a fire in my heart that is slowly growing again, burning and seeking. 

xx