up and out

 Dear you,

it's 4:36am and I have slept for about 3.5 hours. But my mind flips and tosses over so many thoughts. I suppose it might be because of the sheer amount of stimuli I received yesterday - a whole afternoon of dance camp (1.5h of Jazzfunk and Dancehall, back to back), and a wonderful night with my tusduh mates in our Halloween makeup. I think about Dawn; I recently got to eating a spontaneous lunch with her (Sodexo's Halloween Lunch - nubbad but my burger was cold :')) and was so taken by her. I'd never properly spoken to her before but we'd always known of each other's existence. I think once last year I complimented her shirt and we are in the same Intro to the Philosophy of Art class. During lunch, she spoke about a bar that she liked, about trusting time and your growth along with it such that you will naturally move on from things that cease to be useful or have meaning from your life. It was nice. The kind of open-hearted release of thoughts you know have been brooded upon and been in marination. That kind of introspection. I'd like to get to know her more! In some ways I'd like emulate her too! Idk. She's a really good dancer, and I saw her help take videos and photos for dance camp. And there was that sort of you could say transcendent movement (in the Existentialist sense) that she exhibited which spurs the same aspiration in me. 

Yes - that's it - that transcendent movement. An aspiration that I suppose I've always had, and which has been encouraged by my environment. Qiutong working on her resin cast of faces (ok many of Ivan's face), Sunwoo drawing almost everyday and creating a website to sell his art and learning how to stick-and-poke. Düny's forward-thinking, her looking at houses and comparing prices, looking at semester abroad opportunities and considering her options. Sofie's becoming a vocal coach, literally counting the number of roles she could audition for as a queer female, confronting her lecturer about typecasting. Tammie's achieving the Dean's list! Ivan and Lea applying for the NUS Museum Internship...

All these things. And I realise I seek less for the achievements than that general hope to surpass myself, and also just to have a 'firmer grasp on things'. I don't know how to best explain it, but I do realise that many things I do simply to pass the motions, to get it done. But I'd like start to in some ways do it 'right', to consider the art and science behind each thing more. Whether it's the way I chop vegetables and cut a melon, the way I make coffee (I want to make better coffee for myself), the way I approach what happens in school and what I learn, knowing the names and how best to care for my plant babies. I want to be able to answer people more confidently, to be more sure that I have processed and considered these things before, and to put across my views on them with assurance of their validity. There's definitely been progress in that since the last year, and my conversations with friends have been proof of that. But the hope to continue still stands.

I have also been thinking about my past few weeks as being some of immanence (deviating from the full definition in Existentialism but similar concept). They have been necessary and part of my process of healing. But I think there's a fire in my heart that is slowly growing again, burning and seeking. 

xx

'the last word'

 who are you when you cease to be who you thought you were? and so maybe what one is is never transfixed, ever in motion, and we can never expect ourselves of anything.

 I am still trying to find my words. But i have none left to say

you have hurt me beyond measure

& i can only hope that in time you'll understand

because i'm spent, trying to verify myself to you.

 I am still trying to find my words. You see, you had taken them away for a while. You had me breathless, reckless, led by the heart and sprung off by impulse. Within that small month and a half, when I did write, the dimness kissed my skin in the same way you do, and I wrote about you- your lips and your hands around my waist. There was no need for words, only you. And the things more complicated and which I thought about as I navigated your whirlpool of a mind, I didn't know quite how to write about either. So words were left on the back-burner   while I was all over you.

Even now, the act still occurs to me as unnecessary. If I do not have you to hold I know the curves of each letter do not either. You are a wisp of purple and blue light dancing with the dust, an enigma that is of my own more than anything. Although I know you too are a complex creature whose habits and tendencies I've only managed to prod and observe the surface of. 

It is already murky there. Ashy and littered with solid things, stubborn and unbudging. I had a sense of that by the third time we met. I say the third time although I can't remember what was the third time or what we did or where we went -SQ that's it-. Maybe not so precisely the third time but nonetheless a sense that accumulated in strength from early on. I felt it: first, the particles that disturbed the course - the apparent red flags I should've heeded. But that was when I realised that that quality did not diminish my adoration. I was not a mere hopeless romantic with a constructed ideal. I was aware of the ways you limped but I still thought you wonderful. The parts of you that my theorising self was averse to did not repulse me. I wonder if it was hope that smoothed its rough surface. Hope appears to reveal its strength more and more as time goes by. 

Aug 20