What’s the funniest thing that happened to you last year? Write a paragraph from the point of view of an inanimate object that bore witness to it. Could be your hat. Could be your wedding ring, a streetlamp or the plant in the corner of the bar. Use as much sensory/sensual language as possible to describe the memory from that object’s perspective.
Look- I know you are full of love. Trust me, you don't know how touched I was that you watered me every - okay every other day. I admit, at first I was confused but then I realised you genuinely thought I was real and needed water like any other plant. Yes, it was not your fault that you bought us all together in a nice emerald pot and let my brother, who was actually real, wilt and die. And yes, I could almost feel the pride emitting from you when you saw that hey! at least one of them is still alive! and looking pretty darn well indeed! So it was fine that my synthetic leaves got a nice wash every once in a while if watering me and being so convinced of my aliveness gave you that much joy and reassurance of your green fingers, pale as they are. So I know, I know you really love me...
But did you really have to?!
I can't believe you were so unbudging in your love and faith in me that it had to taking Snipping. My BEAUTIFUL GREEN TRESSES OFF MY HEAD and not only that but also PUTTING THEM IN YOUR MOUTH to test if I was real! Do you know what amputation feels like? I know no actual liquid runs through my system but just because you can't see something like blood does not mean there is no physical pain! I watched in horror when your friends leaned in close to me, felt me up all over - violating my body and denying me my dignity, asking you: "Elle, are you sure it is real?"
In that moment I just thought fine, it's okay if you see me as I am. I'll just get less frequent showers.
But no, it was that hard to believe, and you said no! I was real!
And then it was all out of a nightmare; I heard them rustle through your drawers and fish out a gigantic pair of scissors. Its slicing through the air I can still hear in my sleep, the light glistening off its two fatal blades. I tried to scream but it was no use - they took off two, three of my little leaves and as if that was not horrific and excruciating enough, each of you put one in your mouth!
What the heck?!? Are you children out of your minds?!!
I was barely conscious at that point. The pain that was shooting through my entire body was too much to handle, not to mention the mere thought of my body parts in your disgusting filthy orifices. But can you imagine, the indignity that came with seeing all you monsters burst into laughter?
"IT'S FAAAKKKEEEE"
Of course I'm fake you dumbshit you didn't have to eat me to find out!!!
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