Religion.

I guess some point in your life you'll have to let go.

Give your whole self to the world, give your whole self to a person, give your whole self to a belief and etcetera. It's not an easy thing to do; letting go. It's not easy to trust and give everything to something or someone. I started this post with simply a thought... "At some point in my life, I'll have to trust, trust to the point where even I am afraid." But then I thought about it and I realised that it's not only about trusting someone in your life, for example, a really close friend. I realised that this related to something else that has been going on in my life... a complex and complicated thing. That is Religion.

And now that I have plunged into this whole thought process revolving around religion, it hit me that wow my trust issues involving friendships are such minuscule and trivial things and so I forgot about that completely and here I am, writing out a blogpost about what has been on my mind and my thoughts about religion.

It's always been very confusing for me. Being such a realist, I constantly doubt things and find loopholes and I ask peculiar questions that few even think about asking. I was brought up as a Buddhist. Most of my family are Buddhists and usually when I go back to Malaysia to visit my family I am required to be like them and do rituals that I don't understand. I labelled myself as a Buddhist in the past because I didn't understand that belief in a religion is a state of mind, something that is unique and personal to every individual. It's not passed down in genetics or down a family line. Of course, if one is brought up around strong believers of a certain religion and is taught to believe in that religion from a tender age, it is very much possible for them to bring that along with them as they grow. But my mom was never one to be really demanding or strict when it came to personal beliefs, I never went into a Buddhist temple when I was little and the few times I visited my grandparents/relatives in Malaysia and did certain rituals, I simply took it as experiencing something new and fun; not something I had to keep in my heart and do for the rest of my life. Being away from them most of the time, I forgot everything they taught me as I grew up.

I also attended a Christian kindergarten and was taught stories, songs and prayers that related to Christianity. There was a huge hall where we would sit every afternoon and say our prayers. It was such a long time ago and I forgot a lot that I was taught. But the act of gratitude and expressing our thanks was ingrained in me very much so because of the way I was brought up in that kindergarten. They never really forced me to do anything, just like before, I never took it seriously and just thought that "oh this is how school is, how fun."

As I matured and learnt and understood more about religion itself, I realised that I really didn't know anything substantial about any specific religion to believe in one. Henceforth, I was and perhaps still am, a free thinker. Perhaps because of my upbringing, I always knew deep in my heart that a God existed. I never denied that from myself. I accepted it. I believe that someone existed, God existed, and I believe that each one of us are on Earth for a reason and that everything happens for a reason. And I think that that happens, partly because life is a magical thing, and another part was because there was someone out there that had something to do with it.

I've had my fair share of experiences with people who don't think the way that I do. And I was still very young when I was told by someone else that "There is no such thing as God. That is stupid." And any explanation I tried to say was simply brushed off to the side. It made an impact on me as a child, because I'd be lying if I said that that experience didn't make me think that believing in God or a "fictional character" was something to be ashamed of. In time, I started believing in myself more and I got over the negative people of my past and I accepted that I believed again. 

What makes this so complicated is that I don't think there is just one God. Because there are so many religions and I never found myself to be in a position to say which is right and which is wrong. I believe that every single person has a reason and a right to believe in what they want and I respect that one hundred percent. Theres the Buddha of the Buddhist religion, the Allah of the Islam religion aka who muslims believe in, theres God; the person of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit of the Christian religion and so many more. I didn't have much knowledge about them but never once have I thought that they didn't exist. There are so many opinions and some say that though all the Gods do exist, one religion is the King of another religion and so on. This might be the case, but I'll never know. Because once again each person has a reason to think the way they do, and unless I study each religion and belief and each individuals minds, I will never truly understand where they are coming from. 

Though I am a free thinker, I have always been very interested in psychology and religion. Why do people think the way they do? Why do they believe in that? Why do they believe in this? And it always fascinated me the way that people who believe in God, they had such trust. They gave their heart and their soul and their life to their religion. And to me, I think that that requires a great deal of courage.

My friend reached out to me a few weeks ago and said something interesting. She invited me to a Christmas party at her church and said it was because He told her that out of the three people she was to invite; I was one of them. I was never weirded out by it but I was unsure. I didn't understand why out of a sudden He would want me to be there but it was also something I was so interested in. And no, the Christmas party has not yet passed but I just thought I should mention it haha!

I told my friend how much I wanted to learn more about Christianity so she invited me to another event; a movie night at her church. And yes, this time this event has passed and I learnt a whole lot from it. 

We watched a movie-type documentary called "Holy Ghost" and it was kind of a metaphor for the presence of The Holy Spirit. (I am new to this whole thing so please do pardon me as well as correct me if I'm wrong in anything I say relating to Christianity.) It was a beautiful documentary and it opened my eyes to Christianity and religion itself. Due to ignorance, I always had an impression that most people simply wanted to force people into thinking the same way as they do and believe in the same things(of course I knew this wasn't the case for everyone). But in the documentary, people didn't necessarily want people to convert, they just wanted to give their best of their beliefs to others. They believe that God is someone who cares and loves for people and they wanted to show the world that. They wanted to show people that they are loved.  They went around the world, listening to Him and listening to their hearts, blessing and praying for people. They use what they know from what they believe in and impact others positively. At the end of their prayers they never asked the people whether they now believe in God or whether they now want to become Christian, they did good for others and left it simply as that. And I think that's beautiful.

I don't think that religion is about making sure the rest of the world thinks the way you do and is labelled a certain way. I think the most important thing is how you think. You don't have to give yourself a title or a label because at the end of the day, that doesn't matter. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. If you know you do good and you know that you are doing things that are worth being proud about, that, I think is all that really matters. You don't have to go to a church or temple hours at a time to prove yourself to who you believe in because He will know wherever you are that you believe. Well, at least that's what I think.

I believe in the Buddha as well as the Holy Spirit the most simply because those are religions I am most exposed to throughout my life. Once again, that doesn't mean I don't think others Gods exist, it just means I don't know enough about them. Hence, I don't find a need to label myself a Buddhist nor a Christian. I will occasionally participate in Buddhist rituals and I will also occasionally go to church but I won't make it so that I am one religion entirely. Because to be honest, there are so many other religions that I have completely no idea about so I can never be just one. I have so much to learn and so much more to discover. I am just starting out on this journey and I'm still a beginner. 

Religion is a beautiful thing. It brings people together and unites them. It makes people loosen their grasps on control and makes them believe that some things are indeed out of our control. Some things are just the way that they are. It makes people be humbled and trust. To let go and accept. 

Whatever will be, will be.

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I understand that religion is a sensitive topic as well as a controversial one. Therefore I would like to say that this blogpost was not meant to pinpoint any specific religion nor neglect any because of my lack of knowledge. I also do hope that it is clear that any thing that may offend anyone is not meant to. I am not bias to any religion and I respect everyones views and opinions. 

I also know that this blogpost may be very confusing and un-relatable for some people, including other free thinkers. Don't worry, I get where you are coming from and the whole topic is so complex that even I, myself, get lost in it haha! It is something very new to me. I've never thought out religion so deeply before and it has opened new doors to me. I hope you would stay with me through my journey of self-discovery.

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With that, 

THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH FOR READING SUCH A LONG BLOGPOST I KNOW IT MAY HAVE BEEN SO BORING TO SOME OF YOU BUT I'LL BE BACK SOON WITH ANOTHER BLOGPOST! I have uploaded another video on my youtube channel as well but I don't think it's appropriate to put a Holiday Morning Routine video under a blogpost about something like religion haha! Do watch the video!!!

Thank you! SEE YA!

Signing off...

CLL