Change.

I can't tell you how many times I have wished that I could go back to the past, slow down the present and never have to face the future. 

Sometimes the past just seemed dream-like and like a utopia. You just wish that things will never change from how amazing it currently is, and sometimes you wish you could go back to how perfect it was. And you fear that the future might be a nightmare, and you never want to face it.

Change has always scared me.

I have a bad habit of overthinking things. I also have a serious case of pessimism.

Hence, the thought that moving forward into the unknown- into something different, it sends me into overdrive. We get so comfortable at one period of time or at one place. And before you know it, life throws you into another whirlwind of uncertainty and adventure.

The thing about time, is that time is like trying to grasp hold of water under a running tap using your fingers. It is like how water always finds a way to find the gap under your door and the hole in your cup and a bend in the river. It always finds a way to jump over any obstacle that it faces.

Time is never ending.

It cannot be stopped.

It cannot be slowed down or moved back.

You don't want to move on. But the waves of the water push you forward anyways.

I guess, we'll just have to get used to it. Our life cannot be stagnant. Just as time passes by.

It is no where near easy to be able to accept change and move on. A lot of times I find myself in a state of reminiscence. Thinking back to all the great times I have had and just missing it so much. I literally break out in sobs because I just can't take the fact that change is beyond my control; being the control-freak that I am.

When it hit me that I had to leave my best group of friends; people who have healed my heart, enclosed it with so much love and care, brought me so much joy and great experiences, and go to a new school with new people surrounding me.... It scared me. Sometimes when I thought about it too much, I had difficulty breathing and I just felt this immense sense of dreariness. 

What If I Don't Fit In? What If They Don't Like Me? What If Every Wound That Was Healed Burst Open Again?

I had to coax myself with pep-talks in front of the mirror and deep breaths to pull myself together and be brave and face the situation in front of me. I plunged head first into the pool of an unknown liquid and "oh my god I don't know what I am doing". Many people from my class would understand that I was the opposite of meek; being one of the first to break my shell and speak out loud. I was really cheery and hyperactive. But I have to admit that there were many times of uncertainty and doubt.

The past 2 years were dotted with times of difficulty, self-doubt and regret. There were times where I wanted to transfer to another school and there were times of utter frustration and anger. Of course, there were dark times. But no matter how much the dark sky threatens to shade everything else, sunshine still manages to cut through the clouds like paper and sprinkle hope in our lives.

The past two years was a roller coaster and a fairytale all in one. How it went by so fast- I'll never know. But what I know is that how I kept every single ray of light and embraced it with appreciation and treasure. I laughed so hard till my sides hurt, I smiled till my cheeks went red, I danced till I made up moves of my own and I shimmied my way through life. When I think about it, my heart fills with warmth and it just feels like it's so full of happiness, it is about to overflow. 

We laughed about signs on trucks and weird cow songs. We named ourself "cowllamapacorns" and designed a cow for the back of our class T-shirt. We took a 5 minute toilet break and made it a 10 minute dance party with the entire cohort and we made a 15 metre long human choo-choo train. We made memes of each other and sang our hearts out. Our form of happiness is not smothering butter but throwing balloons filled with happiness instead of water.  

You guys didn't make my day. You made my life. You made me think that change isn't so bad after all.

We might somehow be divided in our own group of friends. But there will always be a string that ties us all together because we will forever be a part of each other's lives.

YOU will forever be part of my life.

With that,

I want to thank you for letting me embrace the beauty of the unknown and showing me that whatever I might be falling into, something great might be there to break my fall. You guys have so much of my love, I'm surprised I'm not drained of it yet. Next year, a new chapter begins and new uncertainties emerge. But this chapter, with you guys, will forever be in the confines of my book. The glue of our memories will always keep you close to me. 

With Love Always,

Signing off,

CLL