dear you,
my mind is foggy and i consider crawling back into bed for a semi-sleep
too tired to arise and too awake to fall
i am afraid because i always end up thinking about him.
it has been 3 years now, can you believe it?
3 years of love, 3 years of pain, 3 years of avoidance only to run circles around him.
this relationship has unfurled so much of what i thought i knew
what i thought i had a grasp on
and it is true when i say this process has been so excruciating i don't know how to continue on living.
how could it be, that a singular person becomes my entire world?
how could it be, that I will let everything fall just for him?
he goes on living
occasionally reaches out to me again and I grab his hands thanking him for oxygen.
but he is doing alright,
he works better by forgetting and that has always been a better route than begging.
in my clearer times I know he's only a drop in the ocean
that there will be others,
kind of.
in my clearer times I know if this is love it is not the kind I want to have.
but other times I think about how rich he makes me feel just by holding my hand
I think about how the stars led us
I think about how this is not your ordinary, and just as quickly I think I am arrogant and naive.
But is it so crazy? if someone else could exist in my body when I am next to him,
will they come out of it saying, "I see"?
but does that really matter?
he has grown accustomed to my begging
almost lives off it from time to time;
it does not break his heart that I am breaking on my knees
in my clearer times I know if this is love it is not the kind I want to have.
it does not hurt him to leave me crying
maybe it does but it seems easier for him to turn away
and come back the next morning hoping I should be okay
in my clearer times I know if this is love it is not the kind I want to have.
i know people have to move on
i know distance and forgetting is necessary
yet I reach out my hands to him and though it stings him, he kisses them
in my clearer times I know if this is love it is not the kind I want to give.
apr16
