the child evades responsibility

is let off on ignorance, know-no-betters and some snacks

is not held to account... 

when does personality meet with society?

a rip through my sail

 writing seems foreign and forced, I have come to the stage of having too little time, energy and bravery to traverse the limitations of language and thus put all my thoughts and waves into script. here, tonight I try again. I am thinking about wild abandon, about short-livedness and youth, and about the way in which I want to live. 

from the kitchen I hear my mother speak of her angel, sensible and unproblematic, me, and tears arise with as much thought as when my body convulses on its own will. how fright and vulnerability overtake me, the kind which I can no longer rationalise away or at least alleviate through a next course of action. I lay there sprawled out and naked, as the grey seeps and colours over and as my heart swells such as to be felt as far as to my left hand. so different and yet so similar, and I understand more clearly the disjunct between life and heart. the latter does not seem enough. a year ago I argued otherwise, and today I seek reasons to support this wavering conviction.

i have learnt a little more about the present moment, about listening to my body, and about doing away with the impressions of others. and with it it seems that the notion of forever is fading. the things we do that secure this illusion of forever strikes me as tenuous, almost frivolous now. for instance, marriage seems to be a convenient settling, or a dulling of some sort, the attempt to hold on when everything is meant only to pass. why keep it in your grasp only for it to wilt between your fingers? it strikes as a forced delineation around something as vast and as irrepressible as love. it assumes that people cannot change beyond recognition, if not that then beyond what your love can tolerate, or beyond what your own needs can be neglected for.

is this an inescapable human dilemma? we have learnt about utility and self-preservation, but there is something about society, empathy and a love for others that has not yet been expounded enough, in my personal knowledge and experience. I had never before realised the extent to which one can love and forgive as to run contrary to the self. where another can supersede the self to such degree, and internal conflict can so arise. sometimes when that seems too much, when it feels like the self is such an impenetrable and formidable barrier, i wish to collapse into myself, fade into oblivion. i wish for ignorance, a stubborn resistance to the future, for my body to be a mere rag doll thrown and flung along with the whims of life, for my thoughts to dissipate as fast as they form, without a trace.

but i am not so. the times i am able to pretend, i rise again. "i'm weak from all the things that i know," - how things ought to be, what about the self to protect and preserve, what to accept and what to object to, they flood my mind and do not seem so instinctive anymore. what defines a human being? everything seems to be getting thinner and less substantial. what can be counted on?