I miss you -
I really only miss a possibility. Servants, we are, to possibility.
What I said was true, I will always love you. I will always love you for the fact that you are human, that I saw and understood. I will always love you for the fact that I cannot separate the layers of fear, ego, trauma, selfishness, awareness, chosen ignorance, love, selfishness - the layers of the things that I forgive and those that I cannot. Too much they are to decipher and say for certain, too many conditions to hating you so instead, I choose love. A product of confusion and resignation, cowardice and fatigue.
I'd like to be there for you. To an extent I see that there is a saviour complex of mine that I seek through you, I will not kid myself. I think I am strong, mature enough to help you in the capacity that I hope I can, with a dynamic between us that will be a constant struggle for us to maintain, 'friends'. But the truth is I will hurt to see you with someone else. That now, as long as I am by your side, I will want you to myself. What in this world can we really own? Not even ourselves.
So you are figment. My capacity for imagination in full swing. I grasp onto you in my dreams -literally-, my heart aches and I inhale smoke for a void that I deceive myself into thinking is only the absence of You. I think all the questions will be answered and all the pain erased if only I could hold your face and be in your embrace. How absurd a thought. Dancing in your bedroom, soon I'd melt into the floor and soon you'd look through me just like you did when you got what you wanted, when we want only what we can't have.
xx
