nicotine stains

I

 everytime i want to smoke but have run out of cigarettes my heart skips a beat just like the second time i met you.

it is quiet, begs no attention from the unacquainted, for a moment fools me into thinking I could be ignorant.

but the gaping sits and leers the way the smoke curls around unseen drafts of air

its lightness and translucency so easily mistaken

look closely – the two ends of a noose.

It descends and tightens around my windpipe,

sends my heart into shatters,

dances among them, veering in and between.

a celebration of their diurnal work

a ceremony of deadly love

to me, their king

II

this time there are none and I exhale only the stale air that has caressed my lungs

i resolve to the touch that will never have the warmth of yours

i resolve to the disillusionment that has made that warmth only of your mortal blood.

my heart skips a beat and i try to hold ground as something tremors,

excruciating,

white-knuckle sobriety.

III

it is true you have defiled even the lightest parts of my body

with your nicotine stains and all your mind games

I, a willing participant.

from your parted lips I mistook the smoke for life force

an exchange of gaseous hopes

Ingestion did not happen. I had wondered why I still felt empty.

But I sit with the stale air,

And now, let the words flicker and curl 

the beginning of healing

xx

 you were afraid of the intensity of my love

 the night comes and the midriff becomes the instigator

i walk around the playground so he will not see me

another! and i curve inwards only to walk into a post

for a split second i think he is not the sort, not tonight, not one after another

but on his bicycle he does not look down, only straight at me.

i recover from the concrete pressed into my toes

just as he murmurs a suggestive hello.

does my knit cardigan have too many holes?

i wish to disappear

to deny a gaze, to be seen any longer

who do i think i am? 

what flattery you give yourself.

moments after

and i am still contorted 

limbs crossed over each other as if that would help force me into non-existence.