Reality.

On a seemingly humdrum night,

I came across this video in my Subscriptions page.

I've looked up to Essena for a while now and I've agreed very much with her outlooks on things.

This video I attached is about the reality of social media. & all the things that we sometimes realise for ourselves, but we brush them off and refuse to accept it.

Because it is easier. Because it is now considered the norm.

Because we cannot imagine life without saving 5 minutes at the end of every single social event to take a selfie/group picture to post on your instagram.

Because we cannot imagine not having something to do or look at when we have time on our hands.

Because we cannot imagine not knowing what's going on in the lives of our friends or our favourite celebrities or 'goals af' models.

There are so many things that I agree with in her video, and it's just amazing how she managed to put such things into words. To realise it, to accept it, to broad over it, to speak about it and then put it out into the world.

If you noticed, there are so few Youtubers who actually do this. Who put such controversial yet honest content out to their viewers. Who say things that we many not necessarily want to hear but need to know. 

This video made me think. It made me step back and look at things from a different perspective. And I can't even explain how much brighter and clearer things are here. There were teeny tiny pockets of time, possibly even just 1 second, when I realised "why the heck am I so obsessed with how many likes I have?", "why the heck do I dress up and HAVE to take a picture to post it online?" and "why the hell do I have to think about what people like to see and not what I like to do?"

For myself, the children of my generation and perhaps the generations following, we have and will be born into the world of endless possibilities, knowledge and insight with a click of a mouse or the tap of a finger. We were born into a world of technology and social media, where we'll know what all our friends are up to in a little device in my pocket 24/7. We were born into it, so accustomed to it, that now we have absolutely and completely no freaking idea how to reverse it or break away. We have no idea what has to be done or what we can do, because in the first place, it never occurred to us.

It rarely occurred to me that I was being sucked into a black hole of comparisons, dependence and insufficiency. 

We compare ourselves with everything we see online now. Sometimes even sub-consciously. We rarely realise that when we see a person with a 'perfect body', we are literally making comparisons with ourselves, others and this specific person/body type/what we call 'objectified substance'. You like the picture because you love her abs, her long legs and her voluminous hair. You don't like the picture  because she loves health, because she helps animals, or any other reason. You don't see beyond the object in the photo. It's almost like pictures have made things so... 2-dimensional. At least, the pictures of todays generation and the majority of the pictures we see on social media. We see it and that's it. There's not much of "A picture speaks a thousand words". If it does, most of the time, all those words are just words of judgement, words of comparison, words of insecurity and words of "oh my god she's flawless she has like zero pimples." I know some of us can simply see one selfie and spend the entire day thinking about why you cannot be like her. 

We have objectified ourselves. We have identified a target and our sub-conscious minds spends every waking day striving to achieve it. Sometimes, these targets are not obtainable, but sculpted by society and the box of accepted beautifuls. We see a picture of a girl and straight away zoom into specific features. We lay out a judgement and things carry on from there - positive or negative, it could go either way. That's what I mean by 2-dimensional. Each picture that we see is immediately judged upon a scale; hundreds, millions of invisible, imaginary scales or units that we have created over time.

We depend on others. We depend on others to bring us up or sink us down. Our view of our self-worth has become dependent on others and we rely on them to determine our happiness and the course of our life. It sounds harsh and over-exaggerated, but that's really what it is.

We see a picture of what we think of as perfect. We think about ourselves; our own body, our own work, our own standards; and we make comparisons. We think about where we stand beside the specimen, and I know majority of people place themselves lower. I do. And it sucks.

And how does this affect us? We spend our whole day thinking about it. On better days, we spend at most 10 minutes brooding over it and then you don't. But little do we realise that it adds up to the pile. It adds up to our stock of our unhappiness with ourselves. It slowly accumulates to become far worse, becoming things that we can no longer escape and improve. We go on with life unhappy with ourselves, allowing these things to negatively affect the way we look at ourselves and things all around us. How far can we possibly go in life, being so unsatisfied? Very honestly, as a 15 year old in the Year 2015, I believe that my fellow counterparts and myself, have already surpassed far beyond that stage. I wouldn't say it is too late to change. I'd say that it has gotten to a dire point, and

 our obsession has become habit.

We live feeling insufficient now. We are never fully satisfied with what we have, and we rarely ever see the glass as half-full. Even if the glass was full, we'd say, "Well, the glass is too small." This case I would say is okay for certain instances, as most things are; moderation is in fact key. But in the case where we see ourselves as insufficient, we see others as insufficient... that's a different story altogether. Now this is not another one of my rants that revolve around how much we should love ourselves and respect our physical bodies more. It is about everything combined.

It has come to the point where we even want to copy and paste personalities and mannerisms. Even when we know we are not supposed to, because one cannot expect a lion to run as fast as a cheetah, no matter how similar they are. It's mind-boggling. We literally want to become a different person.

We want to workout because we want to have a nice body so that we can have more likes on our photos.

We want to eat healthy because healthy food looks good and gets a bunch of likes.

We want to get a white table because white tables are good backgrounds for pictures, and it will get a lot of likes.

We want to wear white and black because it is a trend and it says you are cool, so it will get a lot of likes.

We want to laugh a certain way, bite our nails a certain way, all in all act a different way, because it looks good, especially when other people see it.

And it is sure to get a lot of likes.

We let society's standard dictate us, our decisions and how we live our life. We don't do things with purity, with an aim to attain self-accomplishment now. We do things so that we can talk about it, post about it and get people talking about us. We want to become the subject matter of their thoughts and their conversations. We obsess with putting up a front that is most acceptable, and we forget that being exactly who we are is exactly enough. 

It is never ending. There will always be a new trend. There will always be a new 'cool', a new 'chic' and a new 'perfect'. If we let ourselves fall too far down this hole, we will not be able to climb back up.

I can only fathom what the future holds. There are so many positives yet so many negatives. There are so many paths this could take, so many in the direction of global and individual success, so many in the direction of a standstill or even of degradation. One of the things made clearer today, is that Life and this world is contradictory in some way. Like the concept of Yin & Yang, except the lines and swirls are blurred and smudged. The uncertainties of almost everything in life make up the tiny particles that blur out these lines, because there are indeed so many possibilities. But then again, it seems to me that far too many people are being spectators. Far too many are not enticed nor empowered to act and to make some things clearer. I ponder how we can change this.

-

I can't wait to prance around the room,
and tip-toe,
and hop,
and just express happiness through my step.

x

Love.

Love,

has the ability to make us do things.

It has the power to make us act, get on our feet & get on our way.

It makes us do things that we don't usually do.

& it makes us do things that are frowned upon by others.

It makes us do things without thinking,

it makes us speak, and act

in ways that we may appreciate, or regret,

Forever.

Love,

is able to make us feel much more,

the root cause of a snowball of feelings,

all the fuss and uncertainty and confusion,

the anger, the disappointments or the indescribable joy,

the main driving force behind the book of our lives,

the conflict that keeps the story going,

the hook that keeps us coming back for more,

never able to really put the book down.

Love,

is the way my mother cares for & gives in with no complaint,

the way my sister says 'I Love You' 

in the form of fashion advice and shopping trips together.

It is the way you care so much, you stumble, or fall flat on your face.

It is the way that no matter what,

 they are always there to help you up.

It is the way you grasp on to last days like air,

It is the way you smile as you remember the times we once shared.

Love,

is the way tears fill eyes as your heart warms.

Love is the way she still believes no matter what continent he is on.

Love is the way people trust, and Love is the way people still hold on to hope.

Love is the way you see them,

in the shade of cream,

the scent of lavender,

and a pair of shoes.

Love is the way words don't need to be said to be understood.

Love is the sacrifices that don't seem like sacrifices at all,

and Love is the most beautiful, powerful and perfect thing of them all.

x

16.10.15

Too many things on my mind.

I don't know where to start.

I don't know too many things.

x

How She'll Never Believe It.

& for the rest of her life,

she'll never believe it.

She will never believe that she is capable, beautiful, or even possible.

She'll always take compliments for politeness,

kindness with ulterior motives.

She will think of nowhere beyond

"you're too kind",

and she will always think that she is not good enough.

She will never find the beauty within herself,

no matter how many times it has been said to her.

She will never believe the light she radiates,

the lives she touches,

the possibility of being so deeply loved.

She will never see the stares her beauty attracts,

she never has her head up to even see them.

She will never believe that she's capable of being cared for and adored,

Let alone being loved.

& that's one of the saddest stories on this Earth.

x

Perfect.

Perfect.

I am nowhere near perfect.

I don't claim to be. I don't believe in myself to be. I know I am not. It is not a question.

I am not always right, and I always make mistakes. I make baseless assumptions and I overreact.

Sometimes, I think I am right, when I am so wrong. And a lot of times, I act in ways that I could have done better. And I make bad decisions.

It is hard to accept it sometimes.

We are so used to ourselves. And it's like human nature to believe that we are right. It's human nature to have a sense of pride. And no, that is not wrong.

But even if it's hard, we have to do it.

We have to come to the realisation that perhaps, we are wrong. We have to allow ourselves to admit that perhaps, we have no idea what the hell we are doing.

I think it's important for that to happen. And that's why I am writing this now.

Because again, I do not claim to be perfect. And I know for a fact I am not.

I have let people down. I have let people go, when I should have held on. I hurt people that I love, and I give up on people who deserve to be fought for. I leave the ones who need me the most and I lose faith in the ones that need my support more than anything.

I let overthinking turn into overreacting. I let insecurities turn into blame or defensiveness.

I let rumours affect how I look at people. I let my own assumptions cloud my views.

I have a stupid tendency of letting people go. For stupid reasons, may I add as well.

I think about all the times my friends don't act how I want/need them to. And then I think "Oh, whatever, they don't care for me. That's it then."

I told you it was stupid.

And I keep thinking that the most "perfect" friend/group of friends would just magically appear in my life and would do everything that I ever needed them to, and would always, always be there for me no matter what and would always, always stay.

But I've come to the realisation that that's absolutely BS.

That for all I know, the people I'm so desperately and blindly looking for was in front of me this whole time. That I should stop letting them down, stop giving up on them, and stop assuming that in the future someone better would come and take their place.

I'm an emotional, unbelievably cliche and dramatic person.

When I'm happy, I'm really happy. And when I'm sad, it's like the world shattered into a billion trillion pieces and my life is gonna end and everything.

And I really need to stop expecting my friends to be able to handle that 'perfectly'.

My closest friends are actually some of the most unemotional people I know. LOL.

And I know, if there would be a time when I cry in front of them, they would be so lost as to what to do. And it kind of amuses me now because although sometimes it's hard, that I have to kind of hold back on my 'upset-ness' to reduce the awkwardness that they'd have to feel, it's funny at the same time.

I need to stop expecting them to do everything that is good for me, or react the way that I hope.

And yes, it sounds self-centred but let's be honest here. Everyone wants their friends to be there when they are down and have the whole comforting thing. It's pretty much the point of friendships.

My friends are good listeners. Not good advisors. They have admitted to me.

And the thing is, I've learned to be okay with that.

We need to realise that with accepting ourselves as being far from perfection, we need to stop expecting perfection from the people around us as well.

We need to stop expecting and start accepting.

We need to stop hoping, and start realising.

Realise the things that they do do for you, and realise all of the amazing things that they are.

And even if your friends did do something that kind of upsets/disappoints you, I think there are way better methods of solving the problem. Instead of simply giving up and ignoring them for the rest of your life, and switch the status from friend to acquaintance, which in actual fact is not solving the problem at all. I know I do that a lot. And I've found how silly that is.

I did it a lot because I felt insecure. I thought "better save myself from this before I get too deep and really hurt myself." It's a habit I have acquired.

But it's a habit I'm desperately trying to kick.

And to sidetrack a bit,

I want to say that I know there is a lot of pain in the world. And I am aware that even the people closest to me feel pain and I may not even know when they are at their tipping point. I know that people, like me, have a tendency of pushing people away because of fear of getting too close. I know that people, like me, do it without realising it now. 

It's a pity. Because we forsake the relationships we can have, the feelings that we can share, because of the fears of being let down. And I know for a fact that being given up on, or being abandoned is a very real and possible thing. But at the same time, we shouldn't be afraid of it. 

I'm still trying to improve on that. I'm still trying to get rid of this imaginary 15cm ruler between me and the people around me. I'm still trying to stop overthinking and stop thinking of the worst of people before I even know and understand them. It's going to take a while, but I guess it's the first step to realise it.

It's all a very complicated thing. What we do and the way we act, is drawn from so many things. So many aspects of our lives, personalities and past experiences. They shape the way we make decisions and the way that we allow people into our lives. They shape the way that we think of ourselves and the way that we, therefore, treat others.

I think it's important to remember that compassion, though painful, is necessary. And empathy, although hard, is essential to compassion. I say this because people make mistakes. I make mistakes. But there may be many reasons behind why they make such mistakes. People cannot be completely generalised into 'evil' or 'she is just selfish and immature and ungrateful'. Because that's what you think only in response to their actions, and not because of their reasons.

Perfection should not be sought after by anyone. Because although it sounds pessimistic, it is impossible. No one is going to be a complete saint. No one can be. We are going to make mistakes and we are going to make the wrong decisions. We are going to think in ways that even your subconscious mind tells you "how can you think like that." 

Perfection is subjective. My perfect may be completely different from yours. This applies to every aspect. A 'perfect' life, a 'perfect' appearance, a 'perfect' home, a 'perfect' friend, a 'perfect' reaction, a 'perfect attitude. It's totally unrealistic to expect someone to tick all the boxes of your 'perfect' list, so don't. Because we so often complain about ourselves, so often try finding things that we do not have in ourselves, and even we can't attain our own level of perfection. So why expect someone else to?

I am nowhere near perfect.

You aren't either.

So, I guess our world would be perfectly imperfect, perfectly diverse and perfectly different.

Which is absolutely perfect for me.

-


Signing Off...
CLL

Forgive Me.

Forgive me

For the way I see the worst in things.

Forgive me,

For at the same time, I see the best.

Forgive me,

For not all days these parallels exist.

Forgive me,

For the way I see myself.

Forgive me,

For the way I see others.

Forgive me,

For the lack of trust I put in them.

Forgive me,

For how I doubt so easily.

Forgive me,

For the immenseness of my stubbornness.

Forgive me,

For the way I think about ulterior motives.

Forgive me,

For sometimes, most times,

there are absolutely none.

Forgive me,

For the frustrations such an attitude brings.

Forgive me,

For how much harder it makes easy things become.

Forgive me,

For not having an explanation.

Forgive me,

For the fruitless efforts of articulation.

Forgive me,

For my all that is not enough.

Forgive me.

You, the World & Me.

Where Do I Start?

Where do I start?

From the beginning? Well, that was way before my time.

Before I knew what was happening. Before I even could. Before I even experienced Life in fact.

So where do I start?

I am not sure of the beginning. I am not sure of the history. I am not sure of the reality.

I do not know which is more wrong, or which is more true. I do not know which is clouded by anger and judgement, and I do not know which is overcome by pain and grudge.

I do not know what he is like when we are not around. I do not know what I don't see. I am not sure of what I hear, or what I think. 

I only know, for sure, what I feel.

And what I feel,

is a jumble of so many things. So many bad things. The worst things.

So many things, I am unable to distinguish them from each other anymore.

Like paint running over each other, creating colours that do not have a name.

Like the water from a river, merging with the water from the sea.

Like the mix between love and infatuation, confidence and arrogance.

But all of them have something in common.

Colour.

Water.

Feelings.

Personality.

And though I do not know exactly what I feel, I know that I do not like it.

Fear.

Pain.

Insecurity.

Doubt.

Anger.

Who does?

I know how I feel, and how I want to react in response.

I want to run away. Escape. Seek refuge.

I want to find a safe haven. A bomb shelter. Open arms.

Anything.

And one of the worst things that can ever happen, I have learnt, in this world,

Is running away but never being able to be freed.

Like strings pulling you backwards, all the things associated with what you fear most.

Memories. Sights. Sounds. Smells. Feelings. People.

Responsibilities. Filiality. Respect.

Humanity.

I could run.

I could slam doors. I could say no. I could ignore everything. I could drop everything.

I can hate them all. I can not ever give a damn about it.

But then I'd be irresponsible. 

I'd be unfilial.

I'd be disrespectful.

I'd be inhumane.

All the hurt has been done.

And now what feels like everything that I do,

brings me back and reminds me of everything.

I am trapped in my own mind.

I am trapped in my own body, in my own life.

People waltz into my life.

When I try so hard to forget.

And they remind me of everything again.

They tell me to sympathise.

To understand.

To give in.

To stop resisting.

To try to reconcile.

I think about it so often, and at times I question myself, why is such a thing so hard to do?

But at the end of the day, I am unable to do it.

What they demand of me is too much.

I've spent my life being sad about it.

And suddenly, I've started to become angry.

I've started to not resist admitting my anger.

Because I am.

I am angry.

I am upset too.

I am so upset that words cannot describe, nor colours, nor analogies.

It seems like Life would never be okay.

But I am angry,

about how people decide that I am okay.

That I ought to be.

How people assume that I am strong enough.

That I can handle it.

That I will listen and I will do.

I am angry,

that people think I'm too young to understand.

But at the same time,

expect so much of me.

I am angry,

that people had the audacity to tell me

that they understand and they empathise,

but that he is hurting too.

I am angry,

that such comparisons are made,

as if my pain is any less than another.

I am angry,

that he, the adult,

is being stood up for,

as if he is an abused animal,

sad but 'no, his actions are understandable,

no, you have to understand,

no, he is only lashing out because he is hurt.'

I am angry,

because out of everyone who is in pain,

we, the children,

are the ones who are not being defended,

not being understood,

and not being protected.

When can there be a day,

when someone tells us,

'I understand',

and never, ever,

have to include the word 'but' behind it?

When can there be a day,

when someone talks to me,

with no motive other than to make me feel okay?

When can there be a day,

when no conditions have to be met,

when nothing else has to be said,

than what I feel and what I know?

It seems awfully self-centred.

But I've already become uncaring.

-

Here's to trying our best.

Life is full of whirlwinds, isn't it?

You never really know what's about to happen. Whether bad things will turn around, or how long good things will stay. It's a battle everyday, and those of us who know how fast things change, are constantly at a scramble to make the most of the good things in Life.

The past few months have been a period of many changes. Good changes, yes, but scary changes.

Large-scale lifestyle changes, mindset changes, all of the things we are absolutely terrified of. They were and are not baby steps anymore, no longer spoon-feeding vegetable after vegetable, in hopes that one day you'll like eating them.

^ For the record, I like most vegetables. Except peas. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

Anyways, I'd like to welcome you into my life right now. And all the changes that have come along and taken residence in it.

My mother hasn't been working for the past 2 years. And in September, she returned to work again. I won't say much about it, because it's not something for me to share, but I cannot be happier that my mother is doing something she loves and enjoys, and has such immense passion for. I must say, it's a pretty demanding 9 to 5 job. And it's a minor shock because I have to admit that I've already gotten so used to having a backup plan when it comes to transport to and from school. It's a blessing to have a quick car ride home after a long day at school, and when you are really in no mood to meet any people on public transport, let alone be socially acceptable. Well, we all have those days.

It's pretty much in her job description to travel. She's currently in Switzerland, a place she's fairly familiar with. While for the past week, I was busy mugging for exams. It's pretty much understandable that I get so incredibly jealous of her when she sends all the pictures.

Plus, in case you don't follow my instagram, my sister has been in Melbourne, Australia for the past couple months now. She's studying there whoo! I was really sad when she first left and I still do miss her. But we've both always been pretty independent and stuff so we are used to long periods of time not getting to spend time with each other. Also, we FaceTime pretty frequently so I've kind of adapted to living without another annoying teen in the house. But she turned 20 three days ago so she's no longer a teen. Oh my goodness.

Going down the list of people living under the same roof, guess what guys, I'm no longer at the luxury of a domestic helper doing my everything!!! Yea, this was a pretty major change in our household. My entire life I was literally spoilt by the help from my domestic helpers. I barely did my own laundry, barely did any sort of chores for that matter. It was a pretty spontaneous and quick decision for my mother to not have a domestic helper anymore. And I, surprisingly, was pretty calm about it. I mean, okay, I'm not SO spoilt that I don't want to do shit by myself. I just didn't do it because someone else was always there to take on the job. It scared me a bit I have to admit. In the busy schedule of a studying kid like me, I never really had to fit time in for chores. It's another responsibility on my shoulders now. But I knew from the start that this would be really, really good for me. I'd be so much more independent and headstrong. And no one could really have too much of that.

Also, for the past month, I've been spending some time hobbling around on crutches. Yes, crutches. I tore my ligament in a friendly, chill, passionate game of soccer in school. I fell and it turned out to be so bad omg haha! My ankle swelled to about twice its size, I went to the A&E, spent my entire September holidays at home studying and I made my whole class move down to the first floor and push me around in a wheelchair. Sounds like a lot of fun? HELL NO. It was really bad. It was, and probably is, one of those periods when I feel most vulnerable. I can't do a lot of things that I love to do and make me happy, and that just makes me feel down a lot more. I'm still dealing with it in my own way, and everyday is a challenge of both physical and mental strength. 

It's really been an uphill battle the past few months. But I've grown to kind of accept how Life has the habit of throwing you unexpected things, and the best thing that you can do is catch the ball and make the best of it. It's scary, it's a test of your strength and will, and it's not easy. 

But here's to trying our best. (:

Thanks for reading!!!

Signing off...

CLL